Wanted: One retired soldier, lightly used, available immediately

Thulaganyo Jankey | Wednesday October 21, 2026 10:57

Qualifications such as intelligence experience, strategic foresight, analytical ability, or even a passing interest in spycraft seem to be listed somewhere under ‘other requirements as assigned.’ Now that the nation is debating who should take over next, the search committee faces its greatest challenge yet: finding a retired soldier who hasn't already been nominated for something. The challenge is no longer finding someone qualified to lead DISS. The challenge is finding a retired soldier who hasn't already been shortlisted for every other strategic position in the Republic. At this point, Botswana may need to establish a Strategic Reserve of Retired Generals, much like the Strategic Grain Reserve, to ensure there are enough candidates available during appointment season.

Eyes are reportedly scanning every parade ground, barracks and military reunion with renewed interest. More adventurous talent scouts have widened the net and are now conducting discreet reconnaissance missions at Glen Valley and SSKB.

Sources claim recruiters are looking for candidates who possess the three essential attributes required for the role: a military haircut, an ability to look serious during national events and a tendency to answer every question with, ‘I cannot comment on operational matters.’ In fact, some citizens are beginning to suspect that the country has mistaken ‘intelligence service’ for ‘military veterans association.’ The next logical step may be to formally establish a conveyor belt from the barracks straight into the director's office, eliminating unnecessary detours through concepts like open recruitment and diverse expertise. At this rate, Botswana's intelligence succession planning could soon resemble a livestock auction catalogue: ‘One former brigadier, slightly used, good condition, capable of strategic nodding and confidential briefings. Serious buyers only.’ The advert may look something like this: The Directorate of Intelligence and Security Services respectfully invites applications for the prestigious position of Director General, following the non-renewal of the current office holder’s contract.

The successful candidate will be expected to demonstrate exceptional ability in intelligence matters, national security, strategic communication and the art of remaining mysterious while appearing to explain everything. Previous military experience may be considered an advantage, particularly since the two most recent occupants of the office were former soldiers.

However, applicants from other backgrounds with the necessary qualifications, connections and suitably serious expressions are also encouraged to apply. Key Requirements: • Proven ability to command attention without necessarily answering questions. • Demonstrated experience in intelligence, security or other fields where information is carefully managed. • Ability to create an aura of mystery around official activities. • Capacity to maintain a suitably intimidating snarl when confronted with accountability questions. • Familiarity with dramatic entrances, including dangling from a Land Rover, which may be considered an added advantage. • Ability to speak authoritatively while revealing very little. • Strong understanding of national security, secrecy and the strategic use of the phrase ‘for security reasons.’ • Willingness to serve under intense public scrutiny while appearing completely unbothered.

Applicants should submit a curriculum vitae, a statement explaining their suitability for the position and, where applicable, photographic evidence of their ability to look mysterious beside a government vehicle. Shortlisted candidates may be invited for an interview, during which they will be assessed on their leadership skills, discretion, evasiveness and ability to respond to difficult questions with a carefully calibrated stare. We sincerely appreciate your interest in this important national assignment. We look forward to receiving applications from suitably qualified individuals who possess the necessary experience, composure and facial expression for the role. With this kind of advert DISS would surely get their man. Man? Perhaps a woman even! (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.