FMD - Hoof patrol chronicles

Thulaganyo Jankey | Wednesday September 23, 2026 06:00

Viewers no longer ask if FMD will appear — only what outfit it will wear tonight. It is a full-blown crisis with all the trappings. Citizens have turned the outbreak into a scoreboard. ‘Tonight we add another afflicted area — applause, please!’ The FMD outbreak has turned Botswana’s veterinary teams into full‑time nomads. Just when they think they’ve cornered the virus, it pops up hundreds of kilometres away — like a mischievous cousin playing hide‑and‑seek. Villages that had never heard of FMD suddenly find themselves hosting the disease, complete with government convoys and press briefings. In the battle against FMD, authorities have introduced a new frontline tactic: at every disease control gate, citizens must alight, unpack, and disinfect their hooves — sorry, shoes.

While this may sound sensible, it has sparked outrage among women, who point out that owning 30 pairs of shoes is not a hobby but a constitutional right. These types of rules are the kind that have women forming pressure groups like: • Women Against Disinfection (WAD): Motto — ‘We will not bleach our heels.’ • Disinfection Unsatisfied Ladies (DUL): Motto — ‘Our stilettos deserve better.’ • Our Hooves, Our Rules (OHR): Motto — ‘No man shall tell us how to disinfect our wedges.’ These groups are already planning events like the Disinfection Shower, where they will invite a stern faced lady parliamentarian to deliver a speech about how women are suffering under the tyranny of shoe dips. Her other role is to accuse male MPs of not being serious about women empowerment when she gets back to Parliament. Forget vaccines with scientific hard-to-pronounce names longer than a parliamentary speech. The real antidote is Public Relations (PR). Proper PR usually involves telling the general populace you will get to the bottom of the matter by being on top of it. Much as this sounds contradictory. It is confusing enough for people to focus on it and argue about what it means while the vet departments buy time to hopefully get the disease under control. Politicians also join the chase. No crisis is complete without politicians wading in: ‘When we were in power, FMD was a piece of cake,’ they boast — as if livestock diseases were part of the dessert menu.

Others propose bold solutions like ‘national cow curfews’ or ‘hoof sanitisers at every kraal.’ Politicians treat FMD like a campaign mascot, promising to defeat it with speeches rather than syringes. In the end every Motswana now prays that the powers that be — and the powers that ought to be — sort out this FMD mess quicker than the tandabala increment. Unfortunately, that’s like asking a donkey to win the Grand Prix. Imagine the headlines: • ‘Beef Export Industry Collapses — Virus Wins Employee of the Month.’ • ‘National Economy Held Hostage by Microscopic Hoof Terrorist.’ Alas! (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) *Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email admin@ultimaxtraining.co.bw