Performance enhanced, suspension guaranteed

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday June 2, 2026 10:16

But this week, one of our sprinters decided to add a little extra ‘kick’ to their stride—by borrowing chemistry from the pharmacy aisle. Yes, the nation’s latest sports headline isn’t about medals, but about molecules. And what molecules they were! Forget the humble and innocent proteins of beef stew or the natural sugars of morula wine—this was the kind of chemistry that makes lab technicians sigh, shake their heads, and say, ‘Really? You thought this was a vitamin?’ Some intimate that the athlete’s training regime now reads like a pharmacy shopping list: sprint drills, weight training and a suspiciously enthusiastic relationship with ‘supplements.’ Our national performance enhancer is pap and beef stew. But apparently, that wasn’t enough. Somewhere between training laps and protein shakes, this runner decided to experiment with substances that promised speed.

He is now suspended, disgraced, and now immortalised in the hall of fame of bad decisions and he has given us all something to argue about. Testing positive for a banned substance is sports-speak for ‘they ran faster than the rules and his legs allow’ for those of you who don’t know. So they told him to go home and keep as far away from the racetrack and everything that looks, sounds, tastes and smells like a starting pistol.

Suspension elevates you to celebrity status in the strangest way. You’re not famous for breaking records—you’re famous for breaking rules. Suddenly, you’re the cautionary tale in every coach’s pep talk: ‘Don’t be like that guy.’ It is basically a sabbatical, except instead of traveling the world, you’re traveling through disciplinary hearings. Your calendar is full of ‘meetings with lawyers’ instead of ‘meetings with trainers.’ Every time an athlete is accused of doping we try insulate them with a variety of excuses • It was in my grandmother’s herbal tea. • The cow licked my water bottle. • I thought it was just strong morula wine. • He must have taken expired mageu Do we have a doping problem in Botswana? I don’t know and I can never answer in the affirmative. In Botswana once you start accusing our athletes of doping you are accused of high treason and people want to burn you at the stake.

Do we have a doping problem in Botswana? I don’t know, and I can never answer in the affirmative. In this country, once you even whisper the word ‘doping,’ you’re treated like you’ve insulted the imported USA herd that is currently fending off the fury of Foot and Mouth Disease in unfamiliar territory.

Accuse an athlete of chemical assistance and suddenly you’re guilty of high treason, sentenced to trial by fire—or at least trial by Facebook comments. In Botswana, the real banned substance is skepticism.

Imagine the scene: a journalist dares to ask if a sprinter’s sudden burst of speed might be more pharmacy than beef. Within minutes, the crowd gathers, chanting, ‘How dare you!’ as if the reporter had suggested banning beef and Dr Vom’s song ‘Tsaya Thobane’.

Meanwhile, the accused athlete insists it was just herbal tea, or perhaps a cow with suspiciously advanced chemistry skills. So do we have a doping problem? Officially, no. Unofficially, we have a problem with anyone who asks. In Botswana, medals are optional, but loyalty is mandatory—and if you doubt our athletes, you’d better start running faster than the mob. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) *Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.