Colouring Souls
Kealeboga Ngwigwa | Wednesday April 1, 2026 06:00
We appear to be a lighter than the mass of a feather, we cannot go through our society simply because we are ashamed of what transpired to us, the failures or guilt that we may have endured. The mistakes or actions that unfolded on our lives that are contrary to what we once were known for, now dictates otherwise and the only way viable for us is to hide. In most cases, there are things we indulge in, witnessed by those that surround us, relationships, way of life; be it employment, the principles we uphold, our conduct in general and the pain some good image about us in our communities.
There comes a period where we lose all of that, breaking- up with your partner whom your world used to orbit around, lose a job that made you lead a certain lifestyle, fall pregnant before marriage, and/ or, not least, misbehaving due to alcohol binge drinking, certainly can earn us such shame and we label us unworthy beings.
Even though they world around us may not know what happened to us, we internalise the emotional and processing it in self- conscious manner until we conclude that we are inadequate and failures.
During this moment, we start to self- isolate because our mindset tells us that everyone is able to see what we feel and/or done. Isolation seems to be the best place to hide or perhaps some coping mechanism which consequently may deepen us into a feeling of depression and loneliness.
Shame is often triggered by our own perception which mostly is a result of failure from either our personal or rather societal standards. Some people are afraid to leave very toxic relationships, dominated by constant abuse because they are ashamed of what the community may say about divorce.
The community, unfortunately, has labelled divorce as a bad status to bear. The most common and hindering question for one to quest that is often; What would people say if they find out that I have divorced the father or mother of my children? Due to shame, we are afraid to make life- changing decisions that could earn us some peace.
Shame makes us powerless, distorted and paralysed. It brings a feeling of disgrace and humiliation. For some time, we fail to accept our losses and cling to them so that we refrain from feeling ashamed. I have been feeling that since the lady I have learnt to love so dearly after my divorce, made a decision to also leave me.
People have witnessed how much I have expressed my passionate affections towards her and we’re very supportive towards that. Unfortunately, what I did was not adequate for her to stay but shame of losing the relationship people seemed to cherish threw me under the bus. Shame is for everyone, no one is immune from experiencing it.
It was until I started to practise some self- compassion that I witnessed overcoming the feeling of shame. I wrote down things that I know I did that were my love language, and my sufferings. All those were able to break the threat- based shame. It was easy for me to accept her loss because I spoke kind and positive words to myself.
People will know sooner than enough, but that would not last in their conversation.
It is also very vital to always challenge your inner critic, believe the opposite of what it pronounces, especially if it is negative. Dismiss it as soon as you can and refrain from locking yourself in its lament. The other best way to beat it is to talk about it to those that you trust or perhaps seek counselling from the professionals.
This will enable you to take responsibility of the entire experience and not shame. It helps to acknowledge the mistakes you made rather than adopting a shame- based identity.
Over and above everything, you must learn to forgive yourself for allowing such incidents to occur in your life, your contributing actions and the entire experience you went through. When you have established that, nothing or no one can make you feel either guilty or ashamed.
*Kealeboga Ronald Ngwigwa is an Author, Columnist, Trainer, Radio Feature Presenter, Motivational Speaker, and an Entrepreneur. He believes that beauty awaits to be born of anyone, despite our shortfalls. Call him on +26771830584 +26772522213 to enquire about his services, or email: krcoloringsouls@gmail.com