Kindness bootcamp for those thinking World War 3

Thulaganyo Jankey | Wednesday March 11, 2026 11:32

We’ve spent so many decades hearing that an attack on Iran is ‘imminent’ or ‘on the table’ that most people probably checked their calendars to make sure they hadn't accidentally time-travelled back to 2003. It’s the military equivalent of that one friend who says they’re ‘five minutes away’ for three hours and then actually shows up at your house the next day. It seems USA’s goal is to make sure Iran’s nuclear facilities are so thoroughly destroyed that even their microwave ovens start questioning their life choices. Meanwhile, the average citizen just wants to know if Netflix will still stream during the air raids.

Because let’s be honest—if the Wi-Fi goes down, that’s when society really collapses. At this point the people of Iran are more worried about buffering intervals than houses being bombed – the latter less important.

We are now worried about whether we’re on the cusp of World War III. I can’t help but imagine it like waiting for the next season of a TV show nobody asked for. Very soon we will get trailer drops: ‘Coming soon... World War III: The Sequel Nobody Wanted.’ But wait, didn’t we binge this already? The plot was terrible, the characters were unlikeable, and the ending was traumatic.

Why is it back? Didn’t we cancel this series after the last two seasons’ It’s the kind of series where everyone’s desperately hoping for a plot twist—like the writers suddenly deciding, ‘Actually, we’re scrapping this season and replacing it with Make Love, Not War: The Power Ballad.’

The reason we are at this point is because diplomacy is dying – with global diplomacy being the biggest casualty. Seemingly the rule has degenerated to ‘always escalate’. Presidents skip the boring talk and go straight to throwing missiles and bombs.

When it gets like this you imagine the UN meeting room basically turning into a group therapy session where nobody listens, everyone interrupts and someone inevitably storms out saying, ‘Fine, I’ll just call my allies and we will bomb your sorry faces!’ But we cannot afford World War III.

We don’t want World War III. And honestly, we don’t even have the emotional bandwidth to binge watch World War III. We have to find a way to deal with the ones shouting from palatial state houses and asking servicemen to go out and shoot each other while they sip champagne in lush gardens far from the crosshairs of the military artillery.

So, instead of letting men who dream of starting World War III anywhere near politics or military strategy, we should redirect their energy into far less destructive arenas. Basically, if someone’s itching for a third world war, society should hand them a Nerf gun, a karaoke mic, and a toolbox—and keep them far away from actual geopolitics.

Anyone who’s itching to start a war should be immediately enrolled in Kindness Bootcamp where the only battles are over who can be the nicest. Some of the activities could involve responding to a troll from someone who called you a ‘reptile dysfunction: all hiss, no strategy’ with: ‘I hear what you’re saying, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective! Wishing you a Friday so lovely even your coffee smiles back.’

If your blood pressure rises above 120/80, you get to respond to even more caustic trolls till your blood pressure gets to normal readings. The more serious trolls could be things like ‘orange hair, blue thoughts’ which a character like Trump can hopefully navigate without it spiking his BP readings.

Such a bootcamp will also have a module on learning to apologise. Learning to say sorry is basically like trying to install new software on your brain—it takes forever, crashes halfway and you’re not sure if you clicked the right button.

Admittedly saying sorry is harder than bombing Iran but still an effort must be made. By the end of bootcamp, the would be warmonger is transformed into a relentless kindness machine—ready to ‘attack’ with compliments, ‘invade’ with baked goodies, and ‘occupy’ with hugs. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)

*Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email admin@ultimaxtraining.co.bw