Prophet And Loss Pastors

Thulaganyo Jankey | Wednesday February 4, 2026 09:25

In short: prophets were the original ‘spoiler alerts’ for humanity. These, though, only existed in Biblical times. Then in recent times these completed morphed into flamboyant individuals with all manner of trickery. I think the advent of new age prophets started when people in general realised that getting a good education and a good job does not necessarily translate into riches.

Ladies too were quickly running out of patience with men who had been dating them for 40 years without even committing to an engagement. There surely had to be a better way. Enter the new age prophet. White suits, shiny shoes and sunglasses indoors. It was less about scripture and more about sparkle.

Locally we are used to pastors. Perhaps at this point we need to distinguish between a pastor and a new age prophet. While the pastors would say ‘Please turn to hymn 73,’ the new age prophet will say something like ‘I see a great famine coming upon the land... stock up on maize meal and candles!’.

While the pastor will say ‘Let’s pray for the healing of Sister Beth’ the new age prophet will pause in mod-sermon and say ‘God is speaking to me and he’s saying someone here is struggling with rent.’ Spoiler alert: Half the congregation would be in rent arrears.

Southern Africa has become the stage where new age prophets arrive like pop stars—complete with fan clubs, merchandise and dramatic entrances. The only thing missing is a new age prophet reality show: ‘Keeping Up with the New Age Prophets.’ Basically the new age prophets cleaved our history into two distinct eras: before the new age prophets and after the arrival of the new age prophets.

Residents of Nastyville though opined that their followers were hiding behind the door when God was giving out brains – how could they be so gullible.

In South Africa they have new age prophets whose miracle quotient is very high. For instance they can ‘walk’ on air. They eat snakes and grass.

In an elaborate and most vexing miracles yet one of the new age prophets ‘resurrected’ a dead man in a white suit who promptly began to gobble up food. While some argued that the man wasn’t really dead the lesson I learnt in this incident was that death makes one very hungry.

Unfortunately COVID-19 came and it took the wind out of their sails. They couldn’t foretell how long the pandemic will last. They couldn’t heal the sick. COVID-19 was one stubborn customer – even more stubborn than squatters who have been instructed to relocate from government land. COVID-19 strains were so stubborn that it just coolly stared at prophets when they shouted that magic healing word ‘OUUUUUUUUT’.

Now we had heard that ‘OUUUUUUUUT’ had cured cancer, syphilis, mumps, Parkinson’s and HIV/AIDS. But COVID-19 refused to listen and just stubbornly ‘chilled’ in there and refused to leave.

There were some smart ones though who devised a flimsy survival strategy. When miracles stopped working during Covid, ‘prophecy’ became the fallback. Because they could not heal the sick anymore so they just prophesied that healing is ‘coming soon.’ However, many disappeared faster than a pothole appears in GC roads. The myth that their preaching hit with a heavier spiritual thump than local pastors was quickly dispelled.

Prophets of old warned kings about impending doom. Prophets of today warn congregants about impending debit orders. One predicted Babylon’s fall; the other predicts your Wi-Fi bill. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)

*Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.