Battle of the Big Bosses: Hair vs. Moustache

Thulaganyo Jankey | Wednesday January 28, 2026 06:13

His mission though had nothing to do with cool drinks. Now, I don’t know if he thinks he’s the president of Venezuela, the president of the United States, or the president of the local golf club — but he’s definitely president of confusion. Not only was he spotted there but he left with the Venezuela president, Nicolás Maduro in tow. Maduro was 'Secured.' He was 'Extracted.' He was 'Processed.' These are expensive words that make it sound like he’s a rare artifact being moved to a museum rather than a man being taken to a holding cell in USA. He and his wife, Cilia Flores, were flown to New York to face federal charges of narco-terrorism and conspiracy to import cocaine. Poor Flores paid the prize of being married in community of property. Everything the husband owns you have a piece of – including his misdemeanors. I do not have all the details of how this drama unfolded but I’d imagine Maduro was relaxing on the lush gardens of state house when suddenly a golden helicopter landed on the lawn, blasting “Bad boys, bad boys whatcha whatcha gonna do when they come for you....’ by Inner Circle. Ok, that’s not American enough so it could well have been “Oops!... I Did It Again” by Britney Spears – just to align with Trump’s theme of ‘Make America Great Again’. Trump would have jumped out and said something like “Maduro, you’re coming with me.”

With Secret Service rolling their eyes and saying “Sir, this isn’t how extradition works” Trump would have bludgeoned his way through and had it his way. The capture resulted in unrest and demonstrations in Venezuela with some Venezuelans saying ‘Of all things that didn’t happen, this didn’t happen the most’.

Some are saying the real reason Trump has abducted the Venezuela president is because he has a more confusing mustache than Steve Harvey. Well, this might sound silly and stupid but everyone who has kept abreast of world events knows that Trump is capable of astronomical levels of indiscretions.

Right now the world is seized with this matter. So instead of high level diplomatic summits, the debates about Trump and Maduro spilled into coffee shops, gyms, maize stalls, stalls of people selling Cool Time, pension queues, constitutional hair salon gossip and first offenders’ jails, proving that geopolitics can be just as entertaining as reality TV when taken out of context.

Even in Zumba classes as the instructor yelled, “Step left, step right!” someone would shout from the back, “That’s how Trump marched Maduro out of Caracas!”. The debates centred on the nomenclature of what had happened.

Some said Trump had captured Maduro, others said it was a kidnapping. There were even some who said it was human trafficking, just that you cannot accuse the hallowed White House of human trafficking anything.

The world’s regional blocs would likely respond with a mix of bureaucratic confusion, high-horse lecturing and a desperate search for the 'we-were-not-there-when-it-happened' button.

The EU would immediately convene an emergency summit in Brussels and the meeting lasts three days longer than the capture itself. They would issue a 40-page statement written that uses the word 'extremely' 714 times (extremely concerned, extremely optimistic, extremely nuanced).

The Organisation of American States (OAS) would immediately descend into a shouting match. 'We are forming a committee to investigate the committee that was supposed to oversee the committee regarding this very event.”

The AU would look up from their own busy schedule of managing three simultaneous coups, Boko Haram and Al Shabaab insurgents and a disputed election to offer a weary nod. They would be the most pragmatic, mostly checking to see if Maduro’s capture involves any precedent that might make their lives harder next Tuesday and whether that would result in compromising aid.

They would issue a statement emphasizing 'African-led solutions for South American problems,' realise that doesn't make sense geographically, and then go back to monitoring the situation in Uganda where Yoweri Museveni has inexplicably won elections for the 67th time and jailed Bobby Wine.

There’s a collective world fear that if Maduro is tried in USA they might make it legal for him to boil in oil, then they will boil him in oil. So, to recap: Venezuela has a president, Trump has a defendant and the world has a headache. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) *Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email admin@ultimaxtraining.co.bw