Shopping with the hubby: The untold horror story

Thulaganyo Jankey | Wednesday December 10, 2025 10:01

The feedback was like a clearance sale: insults 50% off, sarcasm buy one get one free and unsolicited advice in bulk. One kind guy though offered me a spare couch to sleep on. Basically the feedback ranged from marriage counselling to witness protection. Now feedback from women is sharper and more pointed than a porcupine quills in combat mode. Women don’t just say ‘I didn’t like that.’

They pull out receipts, quote your exact words and build a case like a lawyer at the Broadhurst Magistrate’s Court. They will also put you on trial for crimes against vocabulary like ‘Why did you use THAT adjective?’

One of the strengths of the womenfolk is the Wolf Mentality –they hunt in packs. Wrong one woman and you have wronged 1.5 million women, which is half the population of our country. They have little tribunals.

Before I knew it I was facing a hastily-constituted jury of five friends who all had opinions. The more I tried to defend myself the more I dug myself deeper into a hole much deeper than grandma’s handbag where you keep reaching in, but you never find the bottom.

One even wanted to put me on mute indefinitely. I told her, ‘Sorry, sweetheart, but this column is my noise making business model.’ I swore my next column would start with ‘To the lady who said I don’t understand women: you’re right. I don’t.

That’s why I married one — for research purposes.’ But that might have still sounded too inappropriate. I have to give the ladies more time so that the poison drains out before I can silently craft my own subtle retort.

Fortunately I’ve been a columnist for a long time, and without tooting my own horn, I will say that I have developed a fair amount of expertise in dealing with clap back.

So I know exactly what to do, which is the same thing I do about all other clap back; namely, write another column but this time point the darts in the other direction. I don’t have a husband so this installment is not from a very informed position. But I must try. I have to try.

We columnists try that much harder than everyone else. Men’s idea of shopping is to do as quickly as you can and go back. That is how men work and they always seem to believe it is the best way.

Men through some fatal factory defect in the gene machine always think theirs is the best way. So when men go into a shop they are basically looking for a shop that has under one roof: groceries, clothes, DIY tools, electronics and hoes.

Whereas the woman would browse like it’s an art gallery hubby thinks it is an ‘In, Grab item, Out’ mission. After 10 minutes, he starts looking like he’s being held hostage. Ladies, you know this pain.

Woman have these horror tales where they are busy shopping in the fresh produce aisle and the wretched man would mysteriously vanish only to reappear from the electronics section holding a drone.

When men shop they don’t compare prices. They don’t hunt for bargains. They just grab the first thing they see like it’s a hostage rescue mission. This is why many families cannot afford vacations and troop off to the village during the festive season.

Women will spend 20 minutes comparing three brands of washing powder, checking labels, calculating cost per kilogram. Men? They just walk in, grab the one with the biggest bottle, and say: ‘This looks strong enough to clean a Mack truck.’ It’s the same with clothes.

A woman will try on five dresses, check the stitching, compare fabrics, and wait for a sale. A man? He’ll grab a shirt, look at the tag, and say: ‘Medium. That’s me.’ Doesn’t even try it on. If it doesn’t fit, he just calls it a new style — maybe a tight fit, maybe the world famous slim fit... or if the buttons are holding on for dear life, he calls it muscle fit.

When the man finally says, ‘Okay, we’re done,’ the lady breathes a sigh of relief... Then he turns and says: ‘Oh wait, let’s just pop into DIY section real quick.’ That’s the horror movie twist. The funniest part? Men will brag about how fast they shopped. ‘I was in and out in like five minutes.’

Yeah, because you didn’t compare prices, you didn’t check quality and you bought the world’s most expensive margarine.

But you have to hand it to men for managing to remain unflustered in one of the most stressful situations any man can face, namely rebuffing a deluge of unsolicited advice from the wife – the real shopping expert – to improve shopping outcomes. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) *Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email admin@ultimaxtraining.co.bw