How to survive a four-hour SONA speech without snacks

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday November 18, 2025 15:36

Only 30% of the people are interested in the contents of the SONA. But one must survive these long speeches without losing their will to live. Many people attend the SONA for 3 things really. First they want to see the fashion parade and the whole elegance of the outfits. Secondly, they want to see who will accompany the single MPs -spouse, child or a mysterious slay queen – (these would be citizens of Pettyland).

Thirdly and most importantly they want to see the suit the MP from their village would be wearing this time. His is not merely clothing; it is a visual argument.

While his colleagues favour the subdued power of charcoal and navy, he consistently appears in aggressive, geometric patterns that challenge the very concept of optical coherence. For years, many have debated the meaning of his commitment to checked suits that belongs exclusively on a 1970s pub carpet.

But what makes such speeches very long? The President will dedicate 45 minutes to acknowledging everyone who has ever contributed to the nation’s success, starting with the immediate family and ending with the person who fixes the printer.

There’s also the ‘In Conclusion’ Trick that they like to throw in. That phrase is just the halfway mark and is meant to pluck you from your dozing reverie. Each pause for clapping adds 30 minutes.

Sometimes the applause is longer than the actual sentence. The president lists everything done since the invention of electricity. Even potholes filled get a shout-out. Just when you think it is over the president will inevitably introduce a crucial, three-page appendix on the new procurement standards for office swivel chairs.

Here's a survival guide for enduring a long speech — whether it's a budget speech, a VDC chairman addressing the dangers of illicit traditional brews or your uncle explaining how he almost became a millionaire in 1997.

Do not bring a laptop. A laptop suggests you might actually do something like playing Solitaire in the middle of a very serious speech delivered by the first citizen. Bring a sturdy, analog notepad and a pen. This signals that you are taking ‘deep, meaningful notes.’

If you are seated near an exit, you may attempt the Bathroom Escape Trick. Stand up with the purposeful urgency of a man on fire. Walk toward the door, but just before reaching it, pause, turn back, and execute a Triple Power Nod directly at the president, then slowly return to your seat.

This indicates that the president's words were so profoundly important that they prevented you from fulfilling a basic biological imperative. Do not attempt this if you actually need the bathroom though.

When he finally utters the words, ‘In conclusion,’ you must be ready. You must deploy the Enthusiast’s Clap—the loudest and most enthusiastic applause known to man.

This signals that the speech was not just good, but so necessary that the universe must embrace all that was contained in the president’s scroll. And as you clap stand up to show how serious you took the speech. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) *Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email admin@ultimaxtraining.co.bw