Just Add Water (and Panic): Surviving A Flood

Thulaganyo Jankey | Wednesday November 5, 2025 06:00

And because sometimes your smarts desert you I failed to Google this and get out of my misery. Unfortunately for me a friend asked what actually a flash flood is and I mumbled off that it was actually just a fancy word for a flood to make it sound 4IR compliant. It is not, actually! So I ended up with the proverbial egg on my face. Most of us remember the tribulations of the past flood when our backyards were turned into beachfront property... without the beach and our cars were turned into reluctant submarines. It’s like the sky got emotional and dumped its feelings all at once.

No warning, no chill, just ‘surprise water everywhere!’ So it seems the rain, which you may recall being a distinct, manageable entity, has recently made the executive decision to expand its operational footprint. Again!

The weather bureau after reading their forecast seems to have decided not to give us tips on how to deal with floods. They cannot just leave us to our own devices and expect us to figure it out for ourselves.

No, that cannot work. They have to be more serious than that and supply the populace with a manual: Surviving Floods 101: For Idiots And Dummies.

In the absence of such a manual we must somehow figure it out ourselves and public interest columns like this one are the only source of solid advice in the midst of an impending flood. So today we will attempt to give you a few tips on how to survive a storm. First you must stock up on bread like you are going to open a toast museum.

Before considering the safety of your family or pets, all citizens are legally required to move sensitive paper products (specifically receipts, tax documents, landboard certificate and anything printed with an inkjet printer) to the highest available shelf. We project the water height will respect this boundary, mostly.

If you have more than two pets now is the time to decide which of the two you would prefer to safe. You cannot save all remember, and the one that hasn’t been pulling its weight around the house should be let go.

If you have a cat remember to be fair to it you must count the number of rats and snakes it has killed. If it is a dog and you haven’t had a feud with a few neighbours then it must be let go. If you become stranded, please do not call the Emergency Services line immediately.

First, dedicate five minutes to composing a concise, two-paragraph email detailing the structural integrity of your roof and share a pin location to show exactly whether you are perched on the roof or floating in a constantly moving bath tub that has just discovered its flotation abilities.

We are told that two metres of moving water can knock a person down. This is an invitation, not a warning. View the flash flood as a challenge from Mother Nature's biggest, muddiest bully. Can you walk? Yes.

Should you walk? Only if you enjoy demonstrating physics concepts firsthand. If you do decide to be a Physics project and put your body on the line make sure that all your insurance premiums have been paid up and there are no arrears.

You must also somehow prepare to argue with insurance companies that the flood was not an Act of God (which is the official no-payout excuse for insurance companies) but rather a Negligent Act of Water.

Or better still an Act of Satan. Such semantic shifts will help in triggering the appropriate policy payout.

When the Btv crew arrives, you must appear disheveled and dirtier than a sewer. Do not complain about the loss of possessions like your fridge which in all fairness was a mere container of expired yoghurt. Instead, focus entirely on the speed of the water.

Use menacing adjectives like ‘aggressive,’ ‘dynamic,’ and ‘remarkably ambitious.’ This guarantees you a spot on the 7 o'clock news. Many citizens will be interviewed after the floods and the one with the most drama will make it into the news bulletin.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) *Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email admin@ultimaxtraining.co.bw