90 Minutes of Confusion: Agnes vs Football

Thuli Jankey | Wednesday October 15, 2025 10:06

You know, those ladies that seemed to have lost their way en route to a nightclub. Usually the Agneses are there for the hot dogs and to see perfectly-toned bodies of players when they take off their tops after scoring a goal. The famous hotdogs from these impromptu restaurants are usually prepared using resilient and recycled cooking oil that is at least four weeks old and has been the passage of many a hotdog. The game hadn’t even started yet, and she was already yelling, “LET’S GOOOOOO!” like she’s trying to summon thunder. Agnes started singing louder than the stadium speakers—off-key, of course. I wasn’t too sure if I was at a match or a one-man concert. I once sat next to an over-enthusiastic fan.

When his team scored, he jumped up, spilled his drink, hugged strangers and started chanting something that sounded suspiciously like a mating call. I was praying that this wasn’t another one.

I spent the whole first half trying to explain the 'offside' rule to her. Her final understanding of this complex rule was, ‘So it means you can't be closer to the goal than the pizza delivery guy.’ I said, ‘yes, something like that’ and left it at that.

The first time a player took a throw-in, she screamed, 'Wait! He just touched the ball with his hands! That’s against the rules! Is he disqualified? I had to explain that a throw-in is the one exception. She just scoffed and muttered, 'Selective rule-following. Typical.'

Running on Kgalagadi Breweries Limited fuel she was all energy and cheered both teams with the same amount of vigour. She didn’t care to choose sides she was just happy to be there and watching and hoping to see a goal (read muscles).

It got very interesting when she got a greasy hotdog and washed it down with copious amounts of KBL beverage. As far as I know nowhere in the world and in the history of mankind has this ever been done.

So this was basically a first. But this seemed to have boosted her body’s cheering molecules and she kept pushing the octaves higher and higher. Agnes was a decibel terrorist and it didn’t seem too far-fetched to expect the stadium to hand out earplugs with the ticket.

After the game, she looked at me, totally exhausted, and said, 'Well, that was fun! Did we win? Wait, which team were we? It, however, didn’t help that the game ended goalless.

Agnes demanded to know why there was no goal and pretended it was a gross denial of her rights to not have players show off their muscles.

She turned to me, beaming, and sad she was now definitely a soccer person and asked me to explain what the goalposts are for. Egad! That’s when I decided to bestow on Agnes the title of ‘The Real Star of the Show’.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email admin@ultimaxtraining.co.bw