One Bite Closer to the Emergency Room

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday June 17, 2025 14:22

Well, before I catch any strays let me just say it is the council by-law officers who are saying this. After years and years of sitting back and watching the city residents eat unhygienic food the officers got an epiphany and decided to sanction all the eateries whose hygiene is questionable. Most of these eateries and restaurants are seemingly run by people who think ‘cleaning’ is a suggestion, not a practice. Very soon we will starve to near-death. Eateries are being closed by the by-law enforcement officers faster than MP Mabeo’s follow-up questions at the Public Accounts Committee hearings. It looks like most bakery pans in GC store bakeries were last cleaned when Mzilikazi coursed through our country on his way to Matebeleland. Most of our eateries are grime scenes actually. It looks like the grime has been accumulating on their cooking utensils from as far back as when they invented the wheel. It’s like the eateries have a special machine designed to extract hygiene from their operations. Most eateries are capable of cleaning every little corner of their operation except where they prepare food for human (?) consumption. When you enter the stores they are cleaned and polished.

When you get to where they prepare the food it seems every eatery complies with Resolution 69 (ii) that was coined during the Annual Poor Restaurant Hygiene Conference. It goes thus: do not clean whatever you use for preparing food and make sure you recycle cooking oil at least 362 times before disposing and buying fresh cooking oil. The sheer horror of turning on BTV News and seeing a cockroach as a superhero of sorts in the Unhygienic Restaurants Soapie is stuff for the Weird and Wacky World. There’s a bright side to this though. Forget the health inspector with their clipboard and disapproving frown. Forget the hidden cameras trying to catch violations.

This cockroach was the ultimate, unfiltered, five-star review system. He was a tiny whistleblower, sacrificing his anonymity for the greater good of public health. This was a dynamic visual to illustrate unsanitary conditions and emphatically sell the squalor! He was the living, breathing testament to the fact that you might want to reconsider that third helping of the food. He wasn't just showing us a dirty kitchen; he was whispering, ‘This could be your stomach later, friend.’ And on behalf of the people of GC I would like to thank Mr Cockroach for saving us from our own poor judgment and cheap lunch specials. Nowadays after eating at an eatery in GC there's always the grand finale. The hours following the meal, where your digestive system launches into a full-scale internal debate. Was it the spices? The oil? The greasy pan?

Sometimes, you swear your stomach starts composing angry poems. That might mean a trip to the toilet which might culminate in a trip to the clinic. That dawning realization that the suspiciously cheap buffet you devoured yesterday has decided to stage a full-blown rebellion in your digestive system. It's the moment you transition from ‘I'm sure I'll be fine’ to ‘Oh dear, I need medical intervention and possibly a priest.’ (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a Rapporteur and training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com