Landlord vs Tenant: Part 1

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday October 31, 2023 06:00

Locally we do not need to bother with wars in far-off lands as we have our own wars that have been simmering ever since the first ‘House for rent’ advert was flighted. It is the war between the landlord and the tenant.

This war has taken on different dimensions to the point where if a tenant so much as posts on Facebook something like ‘just got paid’ the landlord will ‘like’ the post. In my whole life of living in rented properties, I have never really had a serious landlord. You know those types that seem to be cut from the fabric that is used on canvas camping tents.

Somewhere in a village east of a suburb that is called Village there seems to be a conveyor belt that churns out this type by the hundreds. I have only had two landlords and that is the government and BHC.

BHC never came to my house to check the number of girlfriends I had. Government never came to my house and claimed my visitors are noisy or asked me to sweep the yard – that is why my yard sometimes looked like an ecological or nature park. It seems tenants are constantly under the threat of eviction. Bring different girlfriends or boyfriends the threat level rises.

The relationship between the landlord and tenant is never an easy one. I always hear horror stories of expectations and rules and here are some interesting ones for tenants (these were extracted from the Landlord Manual)

• No kids

• No bathing twice a day.

• Flush the toilet after doing number two only

• No friends

• Introduce me to your girlfriend or boyfriend

• No dogs

One guy who had the heart of a whole pride of lions trying to navigate the ‘No girlfriend rule’ decided the best thing was to date the landlord’s daughter. You know, sort of localise the post or zero-grazing if you like.

It didn't turn out that well as he was promptly ejected from the house. But we must give the guy credit for an innovative and creative way to circumnavigate a silly rule. A friend of mine once rented in the village east of the Village suburb. His landlord was a dyed-in-the-wool ZCC member and the first rule was ‘No cooking pork and anything swine’.

The landlord didn’t want those biblical demons ending up in her yard clearly. One guy rented a lawyer’s house and was asked to bring an ID copy of whoever he brought to the house so that should something happen to them the landlord would be partially responsible. Sadly the tenant was a young, hot-blooded professional who rose to the challenge and kept bringing all sorts of different ladies. After a while, the landlord had a stash of ID copies and had no choice but to ask the tenant to slow down.

Tenants too are funny people. Many work for companies that allegedly pay on the 37th of the month and the landlord only gets their dues on the 40th of the month. One of the best tactics to ensure landlords do not lose out on rental is to lock rooms/houses for defaulting tenants and illegally ‘attach’ the latter’s properties without any sort of court order.

Sometimes you find they only have a sponge for a mattress and two pots, things when repossessed cannot even pay three days’ worth of rent. I too am a landlord – a newly-minted one - because I have a room without a ceiling and a single electric socket that I rent out at the village. I too started acting all cocky and came out with a set of ridiculous rules for my bewildered tenant. I suppose you can only understand this if you are a landlord.

I sometimes look at them and wonder how I managed to conjure up such absurdity. And this is for a mere one roomed abode without a bathroom. Imagine if I had a proper house to rent out! Should we landlords be made to pass a tenant referral process? Just a thought.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.