The Slowest 100m Ever

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday August 8, 2023 06:00

From athletes diving over finish lines to athletes winning races and promptly having their gender being called into question. From athletes smoking devil’s lettuce on the eve of a premier athletics meet to athletes to officials ‘eating’ athletes’ morning.

So it is a whole profusion of issues –some quite unflattering - that stick around like some unwanted guest at the dinner table. Athletics has taken its fair share of pelters over the years and has had the white-hot glare of the spotlight on it due to its news making ability. Athletics sometimes leaves you with the feeling that it must be culling season for normalcy. Yes, athletics does have a monopoly on weirdness.

Athletics is always making news some positive, some neutral and some negative. It seems athletics is on a mission to outdo each other on the negative scale or on the bizarre side. When people travel out of their country they are given a certain amount of money – per diem - to cater for their needs such as food, accommodation, sneakers for relatives and t-shirts for pesky acquaintances.

In Africa this is taken seriously and has pitted bosses against subordinates in many government departments. Some subordinates’ letters of promotion have not been signed and are gathering dust in bosses shelves because they had the temerity to feud with the boss over a trip abroad. In Somalia the president of the athletics federation there decided that the per diem was too huge a prize to forgo and chose to keep it in the family by picking her niece to run a 100m race in the 31st FISU World University Games in China.

This falls nicely into the theme of World’s Most Corrupt country ranking that Somalia has been earned by over the years and it seems athletics officials too are determined to feed this ranking by doing their bit. With an outfit verging on weird that seems to have been designed in a Somali street corner there must have been collective panic back in Somalia when the niece lined up against properly-attired, professional-looking athletes. Yoked by the huge per diem hanging over her neck the ‘athlete’ ambled through the race like a snail waddling through peanut butter. She crossed the finish line when her competitors were already in the showers. But wait. There was a record she had managed to achieve no matter how unflattering the record is. This was the national and world record of – wait for it – the slowest 100m ever run.

My granny could have done better. But there was something to admire though as she warmed up at the starting block. You could see that here was a person determined to protect the façade of being an athlete and not disappoint the aunt. Per diem is picked before one jets out of the country so she must have been smiling all the way to her room knowing that despite her less-than-tepid showing her bank balance was still intact. I admired how gallant she looked and the ‘we got this’ attitude she had before the race.

Officially athletics seems to be just about to surpass Mmaofit in the drama stakes. A note to all nieces though: If you get chosen to compete in a sport you are hardly competent in at least ensure you put in the legwork to look the part.

Heads will roll back in Somalia? Don’t bet on it. The Somali athletics federation president keeping her position? Bet on that! The odds are looking great on that. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.