Not Just Bog Roll

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday April 25, 2023 06:00

Government doesn't think so either. Toilet paper is gold and is something to be treasured, nurtured and kept safe from those who invade the council in search of toilets.

Go into any council toilets and you will not find toilet paper. Every single one of them! I am sure there are periodic workshops on preserving and keeping toilet paper from the sharks that patronize the council toilets. There could well be an annual budget for such workshops and if they have not created a position for Toilet Paper Coordinator then very soon they will.

I once quizzed one of the cleaners regarding the absence of toilet paper in one of the conveniences and her answer was my type steal it. Like a good number of us leave our places of abode and go to the council toilets to steal toilet paper. She singled out ladies with big handbags as the main culprits and told me if she had her way ladies would not enter toilets with handbags especially big handbags that look like overnight bags.

These are apparently the biggest culprits. Sadly, the world is unkind to women with large handbags as they are usually singled out for special stick. They get accused of all sorts of things. Apparently the woman’s character traits are all captured in that handbag.

These traits are usually overbearing girlfriend, toilet paper thief and generally a mean person. The ones I know are not – my wife is one of them. They basically carry those for survival and nothing else. I remember sitting next to a woman on a northbound bus with a baby. During the journey she pulled out a pen, a diaper to replace a soiled one, snacks, a water bottle, a pacifier, baby formula and the blue ribbon winner was when she pulled out a dress for a change after being soiled by the toddler.

The irony though is those toilet paper sentries actually carry large handbags themselves!

If you go to council offices, you will find computers in unmanned offices with doors ajar and very little security detail around them. Yet where they keep toilet paper it is always locked and usually manned by a mean-faced lady whose main job - and demeanor - is to stop people from accessing toilet paper.

A very interesting announcement was made recently to bump up the toilet paper stock though the official parliament reason was to protect the fledgling toilet paper industry. From now onwards we will no longer import toilet paper.

The government takes toilet paper seriously and can make laws specifically for toilet paper. This seemed to excite everyone including people that didn’t even know the implication of same and those that don’t even use toilet paper but instead use newspaper as a substitute.

This means we are going to have factories setting machines to 1ply, 2ply and 3ply settings. Obviously like all infant industries we need to brace ourselves for 3ply that feels like 1ply as the untrained struggle with adjusting the machines. So we will have to tell our bums to be strong in the meantime in cases where 3ply feels like sandpaper. Which brings me to another point - a spinoff industry.

There's going to be a need for schools specifically to teach people who are going to work in these factories how to do oscillate between the plys. Only then after people have been sufficiently trained can our bums be safe.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.