How Facebook works

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday November 1, 2022 06:00

I too bandwagoned and decided on selling pies to the hungry masses. I was also emboldened when the VP started talking about how SMMEs are important to the economy.

When eminent people like the VP start talking like that, you have to adjust your antennas because he might at a kgotla meeting in Muchenje make an announcement like ‘Since we have realised the importance of SMMEs we have decided on a programme to give these SMMEs grants and loans under a new programme called Financial Angels for Downtrodden and Distressed SMMEs’.

So my plan was to position myself just in case something like this happens. Elections are approaching so this is officially the season of making promises to the masses. So I decided on selling pies.

Please don’t ask me why I did not decide to sell packed lunch as my choice (pies) was not very clear to me either. One day I posted the advert below on Facebook.

I will be selling chicken pies in front of Gaborone West Spar from 2pm to 6pm for P10. Please call 74536889 to order. People with the IQ of a crayon started responding. Now the IQ of a crayon is less than that of a blonde which is the normal acceptable lower limit of IQs. These are the responses that rolled in:

Facebooker 1: Oh my God I love chicken pies. How much is 1 Facebooker 2: What type are you selling Facebooker 3: I have long sent you an e-mail looking for information about the pies Facebooker 4: Where does one get hold of you Facebooker 5: What is your cutoff time Facebooker 6: Don’t you have fat cakes Facebooker 7: Which Spar

Seemingly people on Facebook whose buying power is at the level of Ipelegeng workers are the ones most likely to respond to such adverts. There’s a maxim that if you want to hide something from Africans put it in a book. This is not true though. The more appropriate expression should be ‘if you want to hide something from an African put it on Facebook’.

The Africans just came through on this advert to validate that. I think to keep my sanity I will have to stop taking Facebook seriously because apparently most of the likes come from people sitting on a toilet. I mean the usual ‘What is on your mind’ is constantly filled in by what is on people’s butts.

I don’t think Mark Zuckerberg, the owner of Facebook (ok, I admit this should be categorised as Useless Fact.

After all who does not know Mark) was ready for the idiocy and the nonsense that ensued as soon as Facebook opened its doors. When Mark birthed this he must have thought the uptake would be by normal, sane people. The insanity levels just kept growing.

I was once mistaken for an agony aunt by a distressed Facebooker on the basis of having posted about how to deal with an errant father who is defaulting on his maintenance. Within minutes I got the following inbox. ‘When is it too late to have a baby shower.

I am asking this because my mum never had one when she was pregnant with me and I need some clothes’. My evil head kept wanting to say ‘Give it up. It is too late’, ‘Are you still naked? Poor baby’, ‘How about a granny shower’, ‘Would baby clothes fit your left calf now’. Feeling under pressure to act like a Ms Knowall of sorts and the agony auntie vibes swarming around my pressured head I searched for something intelligent to say.

So I put on my auntie hat and wooden clogs aunties wear during weddings when they are in charge of the food store and said something like ‘You have a legal right to demand a baby shower especially because you were denied one when your age was zero.

Demand it from your mother or call Childline who are mandated to deal with child rights’. I felt good. I felt like an aunt. I had earned my auntie stripes. I know it sounds strange and silly but I too am part of the silliness that goes on every day on Facebook.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.