How to win an argument with your wife

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday September 6, 2022 06:00

Like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those safety goggles and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those safety goggles.

But please note that despite all these mounds of experience garnered over the years I still am not confident enough that my methods or my suggestions will work all the time.

I can guarantee a success rate of around 30% which admittedly is not much but most of us are hovering at a success rate of around five percent. So 30% represents quite a significant jump and better odds and next time when you see me at the high table during the annual Men’s Conference just know that it would be from this effort.

Arguing with wives is a relatively new phenomenon which started in the 80s when women got bolder and bolder and said in loud guttural voices ‘To hell with being submissive’. As soon as ladies decided conservatism be damned, men were up against it. When women are on a mission it is hard to stop their train. They formed organisations to deal with anything that threatened their existence, happiness, rights (and wrongs!) like Women Against Rape, Metlhaetsile, Women Against Men Who Don’t Do Dishes, Women Against Pot-bellied Men etc to ensure that they are properly organized and legalized to navigate the vexing issues.

The first man to win an argument with his wife is not known. My research at the National Archives yielded nothing except an argument with the lady archivist there which I lost (Oops). Okay that was just a little bleep. When you want to win an argument with your wife punctuate your argument with ‘halleluia’ and ‘praise the Lord’.

This works with modern women who subscribe to these new age churches because you sound like their pastor or daddy if you like. Now such women respect these men more that Jesus Christ in most cases and the moment you start sounding like daddy that is their cue to be respectful and bow down. However, with women who are career sinners it might result in more agitation. Most men are stupid and this is the last thing you need if you are to win an argument with your wife. Just remove all the stupidity atoms from your system before arguing with your woman. Don’t be like Adam who was tricked by Eve because he foolishly acceded to his woman’s request. Stupid, stupid Samson too didn’t have the right amount of grey matter to ward off a persistent, pesky wife and ended up revealing his biggest secret.

Because of this I still get petrified when I see someone cutting off dreadlocks. Always remember a foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

Another trick is to avoid trying to be a smart Alec and say things like 1. Oh I am sorry I didn’t get that as I don’t speak Idiot 2. You may not be the dumbest person in the world but you better pray he doesn’t die 3. Please let me know where the Off button for your mouth is These would just get the meanness quotient up and leave you with the feeling of trying to put out a fire with a stone.

Always use flattery. It deceives women all the time and they love it. Well, that is until they figure out the deception. You will probably remember the cartoon strip The Lockhorns.

It features an elderly couple of empty-nesters who are always at loggerheads over all sorts of things: the wife’s lack of culinary skills, the weather, the economy, the husband’s roving eye, the price of copper, whether Uganda should invade USA and so on. Now they seem to have somewhat graduated from Flattery College and most of their arguments peter out amidst a welter of flattery even though it is usually laced with sarcasm. Luckily both of them are too old to pick the sarcasm and they are still together despite the daily arguments.

And finally remember when a woman laughs during an argument the psycho part of the brain has been activated so immediately abort mission. If it gets to this point, there’s a real possibility of making headlines in a tabloid. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.