My husband is distant

Gaone Monau | Tuesday June 21, 2022 06:00

Dear Anonymous

I will quote verbatim the contents of Dr John Gray’s book titled ‘Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus in an attempt to advise you. In the said book men are referred to as Martians whilst women are referred to as Venusians.

In my humble view, the views asserted in Dr John Gray’s book hold true for quite a number of males and females, hence they are worth sharing. When a Martian gets upset, he never talks about what is bothering him.

He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend’s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead, he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.

If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.

To feel better Martians, go to their caves to solve problems alone. When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way. To feel better Venusians, get together and openly talk about their problems.

On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking “competent” but rather on being in loving relationships.

They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted. A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.

FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE

When a man is stressed, he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work. His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution.

The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves.

His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again. However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth.

Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success. Let’s explore in greater detail a few examples. Jim commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems.

When he reads the paper, he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world’s problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own.

In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible). This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again. Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind.

He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports, he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play.

When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses, he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems. For Tom and many men, the inevitable release of tension that occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn’t know how stressed he is.

If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead, he doesn’t talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn’t care about her because he isn’t talking to her. Women generally do not understand how Martian’s cope with stress.

They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her.

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be rational and logical. When Martians go to their caves, they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself.

When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man. She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings.

Without understanding the validity of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue. These are some common misunderstandings:

1. When she says “You don’t listen,” he says “What do you mean I don’t listen. I can tell you everything you said.” When a man is in the cave, he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of his mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.

2. When she says “I feel like you are not even here,” he says “What do you mean I’m not here? Of course, I am here. Don’t you see my body?” He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn’t say he is not there. However, though his body is present, she doesn’t feel his full presence, and that is what she means.

When she says “You don’t care about me,” he says “Of course I care about you. Why do you think I am trying to solve this problem?” He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring, and that is what she is really asking for.

4. When she says “I feel like I am not important to you,” he says “That’s ridiculous. Of course, you are important.” He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn’t realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores the problems, she is bothered by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant.

5. When she says “You have no feelings. You are in your head,” he says “What’s wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?” He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In addition, he doesn’t recognize the validity of her feelings. Men generally don’t realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant.

In his cave a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others. To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better.

Gaone Monau is an attorney and motivational speaker on the areas of confidence building, stress management, relationships, self-discovery, gender-based violence and other specific areas of the law . For bookings, motivational talks, questions or comments on the aforesaid areas contact +26776548755 or laboutit22@gmail.com. Her Facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone.