Once upon a time

Dr Fahim Chand | Monday June 6, 2022 06:00

It allows you to see the humour in almost everything. Given the current state of the world, surely this is a valuable talent. As I relate my story, I won’t go back to the genesis of time since there is some contention on how we came to be. If you’re not sure either then please go back and read my last week’s column, which didn’t exactly explain how we ended up here but did offer some hopefully valuable insight. Instead our story begins somewhere on the Dark Continent. This name is quite ironic since the blue sky and sunshine here are the brightest and most beautiful I’ve seen on this little cosmic stone called earth. We focus on a dry and dusty neighbourhood on this vast land that hosted the first humans.

The most valuable commodity in this barrio was called pula. It was this divine gift that soothed the parched ground that conjured up the plant life that fed the simple people of this community. It was in this simplicity that harmony and happiness thrived. And while this particular neighbourhood was not only one of the poorest on the Dark Continent but indeed the entire world, there was plenty of food for all. But not all was well as neighbours cast their envious eyes over this particular neighbourhood and wanted it for themselves.

Three wise men decided that a protector was needed and appealed to an island nation named Allemandia. This mighty nation had currently been in the midst of a grand project that included conquering countries around the world. I’m not sure what criterion was used to choose a worthy victim. Maybe they had designs on something they possessed? And while this whole exercise may sound like severe bullying, what made it all ok was that Allemandia was led by the cutest, most stylish old lady ever. And with her cute little hand wave, it made everything just fine. But alas, this little barrio had very little to offer.

But Allemandia possessed the most benevolent of hearts and after great deliberation and insightful meditation saw it within themselves to protect this dry little land. But after numerous rotations around the sun it was finally time to say goodbye to the protectors and venture out on their own. Soon after, compressed carbon was discovered in this glorious land. Or was it compressed hydrogen or molybdenum? Of this I’m not certain, I really should have paid more attention in chemistry class. As it turns out this compressed substance was in great demand around the world and in turn filled the coffers of this exalted land. It is with this bounty the skilled leaders built magnificent infrastructure for the deserving people.

While it would be somewhat cliché to refer to this place as the land of milk and honey, it did not matter. For this place was now referred to as the Switzerland of Narnia. High praise indeed. I have had the good fortune of visiting Switzerland and a more beautiful, peaceful and harmonious country I have yet to see. This golden era continued until the world was felled by deadly plague, which disrupted economies and stole many people. This little land suffered like the rest and difficult economic times ensued. Due to a startling but still not understood series of events, the days of abundance are but a memory. There are no more references to Switzerland of Narnia. While food was plentiful in poor days, today the tide has turned. It is here that I enter this tale. My name is Nick Fury and I am the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. If you’re not sure what that is, then please watch the Marvel movies and try to keep up with the cool stuff these days. Today the former Switzerland of Narnia has no potatoes. Don’t laugh, you read that correctly. It is for these dire situations that S.H.I.E.L.D. was formed. Currently my two best agents, Shabana the Excellent and Frannypants are following up on a tantalising lead that a semausu in Partial County have sourced some tasty spuds. This industrious team complement each other and work as a well-oiled machine. They have saved this land and indeed the free world numerous times.

As my eyes rise to meet the horizon, I try to remember when was the last time I savoured a tasty well-prepared chip. I can’t remember. Even my dreams are occupied with golden brown potatoes. I have just received a message from agent Quaxiopoulos stationed in Block 6. She has found some juicy red tomatoes but has reached an impasse in haggling for the price. The vendor wants 30,000 dollars for one, while Quaxiopoulos is not willing to pay a dime above 25,000 dollars.

These are still trying times as we try to recover from our attempted annihilation by Covid. Scattered across the plains of the earth lie devastated economies and lives. It is precisely now that the world needs incisive, intelligent and bold leaders. We need to return to the heady Switzerland of Narnia days. And I need a plate of hot French fries.