TJ in the Kitchen

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday May 24, 2022 03:36

My cooking skills are at best remedial and with my limited toolkit, I was determined to strike a blow for the male section. Up to then, my culinary skills were quite rudimentary and involved boiling an egg, boiling rice and frying eggs. I know this is not much but still we have to be generous to those that try. My apprenticeship was really nothing to enthuse about.

Modern technological developments such as YouTube have given many of us the armoury to believe we can handle anything. So as I made my debut in the kitchen, I had my laptop close by to help me whip up some culinary magic. YouTube gives you that delusion of your abilities in a whole range of things.

I struggled through quite a lot of issues. The first big struggle, much harder than Jada Pinkett staying faithful to Will Smith, was just trying to get lids off jars. It seems the older one gets the tighter companies are putting lids on jars. And then when you read those Jamie Oliver recipes, you encounter all sorts of ingredients you never knew. What in the world is sapodilla fruit!

Cooking is a huge multitasking undertaking. When the experts (read wife) are in the kitchen, they have four pots on the stove, grating a garden of vegetables, admonishing the husband and trying to cuddle a screaming toddler. Ladies are adept at doing four things at the same time while men are more linear. This is not based on any empirical research but from observing my wife and juxtaposing that against how I’d do things.

A lot of men don’t have these kitchen traits. We are disorganised, poor at multitasking, butterfingered and such unflattering adjectives. But rarely have these been rolled into one person like in my case. So you can imagine the enormity of the task at hand. I was dropping stuff and only starting tasks after the previous one has been completed. I took forever in the kitchen.

As my culinary train was in motion, I received a call on my cellphone and stepped out to answer it. I must have taken close to 30 minutes speaking on the phone and was roused by commotion from my neighbour’s yard. The smoke alarm had been triggered and me being a good neighbour, I crossed over to see how I could help. As we tried to figure out where the problem could be emanating from, we realised a waft of smoke coming from my kitchen! What an embarrassing moment.

The wife too arrived on the scene and I sheepishly explained what had transpired. She decided not to file for divorce and keep me in her house- burnt pots and all. There was no inquest and dinner was whittled to a cup of coffee with almost burnt toast. I had nothing to do with the burning this time.

Usually the standard consequence of a man’s misdemeanour is to be banished to the couch. Ladies think this is the ultimate punishment for errant behaviour. This is one of the rare times where women are not on top of things. We are more used to situations where when you ask your wife if there’s anything she doesn’t like about you or if there’s anything wrong she will schedule a Powerpoint presentation for the following day.

One well-kept secret is that men actually do not mind sleeping on the couch. When we are banished to the celebrated couch, it just gives us the feeling of camping out with an angry bear nearby. It really is not so big a deal. Obviously this confession might jeopardise my admission into the next Men’s Conference but I am not worried as I have no intention of being a part of the spectacle anymore. So onto the couch it was. This time I volunteered!

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