Magic will not create itself

Dr Fahim Chand | Monday May 9, 2022 06:00

And yet in these blemishes, it’s beauty shone even brighter. It’s light illuminated since the beginning of time, to reveal the way for the most intrepid of explorers and to fuel mankind’s ambitions and dreams. It’s incandescent beams seemed brighter tonight as he stood encompassed in its warm embrace. As he followed the moon’s light, he observed it reflected by a million stars. But these were not floating in the dark night above but rather all around him.

He was the epicentre of his own galaxy. As he ambled closer and miraculously touched one, he realised that it was a lapis lazuli that echoed the light. And when he touched another, he saw the source was a gigantic amethyst. These were embedded in a sea of beautiful white. Smooth and cool to the touch. An invisible force pulled his gaze upwards to reveal a magnificent dome surrounded by four slender minarets.

His fingers trembled and his breath hushed as he tenderly touched the wall again. The coolness ebbed and flowed but now it was infused with the ghostly heartbeat of 20,000 people who had taken 22 years to complete this magnificent symbol of heartbreak. Anguish has never been more beautiful. This is of course the Taj Mahal in Agra, India, one of the seven wonders of the world. Built by the grief-stricken emperor, Shah Jahan, as an enduring monument of love for his wife, the empress Mumtaz who had died delivering their 14th child.

The Indian poet Rabindranath Tagore described it as “a solitary tear suspended on the cheek of time”. Love is everything. The blending of atoms to drive a single heartbeat or a single glance that penetrates deeper than the entire universe. Or is it?

In the United States, 50% of marriages end in divorce with the average length of eight years for a first marriage that ends in dissolution. As it turns out, keeping love alive is not easy. How do we do it? I think all of us have seen medical dramas where a patient undergoes cardiac arrest and the doctors rapidly use their paddles to deliver a high-energy electric shock to jumpstart the heart. As it turns out, amour also needs a defibrillator. Initially, the idealisation of love provides our own living fairy tale, but this feeling often fades. To revive the fading fire, we need to first recognise that it is diminished and then need to be proactive in rebuilding it. The magic will not create itself. But it can be revived and better still, retained.

A 2002 study by Karney and Frye found that overall relationship satisfaction had to do with recent feelings. It is important to engineer a feedback loop that brings these “warm” feelings that we had before to the present. The most COMMON reason cited for divorce isn’t fighting or infidelity, 80% of couples said it is the loss of “closeness”. Often we talk about growing and expanding our horizons by learning as a result of love but as it turns out, this is one of the creators of love. Studies show that when couples do things that make them feel like they are becoming better, it increases their closeness.

We know that boredom kills love, conversely when we feel that our partner is making us a better, more compelling person, then we love them more. A relationship’s genesis is always exciting, doing cool things together. This must be maintained. Being bored together under the guise of quality time will do nothing for the relationship. The research is clear, you need to do exciting things together. Researchers did a ten-week study that compared couples doing “pleasant” activities to couples doing “exciting” activities. Exciting won.

Couples going out to a movie or dinner didn’t get the same marital satisfaction boost as couples who went out dancing, skiing or to concerts. We need challenges, movement and fun. Psychologist Elaine Hatfield said it perfectly: “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder”. How does it do this? Emotional contagion may provide a clue. Simply defined as a form of social contagion that involves the spontaneous spread of emotions and related behaviours. In other words when we feel excitement, we associate it with what’s around us even if it is not directly responsible. We feel our partner equals fun as we go to battle and capture Winterfell. That one is for the Game of Thrones fans.

Casanova said: “Love is three quarters curiosity”. A 2001 study found that couples who communicate effectively are nearly two thirds more likely to say they have a happy union. The happiest couples understand a lot about each other: What bothers them, how they like their coffee and their hopes and dreams. Maybe it’s time to look up from your phone and get to know your partner better. There is real value in understanding what is important to them. At this stage I must say goodbye because I have a bit of work to do. I need to arrange a skydiving session and booking a Running of the Bulls holiday in Pamplona Spain for Shabana and I. But first I need to make her a cafe mocha with macadamia milk. Extra foam. Her favourite.