Census sense and nonsense

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday April 12, 2022 06:00

I was beyond redemption and once I got into the Liar Lane, the Lie Train just kept chugging faster and faster. Let’s face it. Out of all the programmes you watch on TV, you will not readily admit to watching 60% of them in a survey or research exercise. No citizen watches Papa Penny Ayee. At least in a survey the ‘no’ is checked by everyone.

But people would tell you how Papa Penny’s English is horrible, his many wives and his goat. How they know this information without actually watching the programme is a mystery that can only be unravelled by top investigation entities. My point is that I'd watch this programme, but I wouldn't tell the researchers. I claimed that I watched a National Geographic special with a name like The 10th Planet Discovered. I claimed that our entire household (including Lucious, who is, legally, a dog) mainly watched the news, National Geographic, Discovery Channel whereas in fact the only remotely educational programming we watched that week was a commercial for funeral cover.

A population census is one of those processes that happen once in 10 years. When it happens, it just seems like the survey I took and lied to the poor researchers. I found myself promising to do better in the population census. I tried but it was a mighty hard task with members of the family ‘peer-pressuring’ me into more floral responses. Some of the questions made us hot under the collar.

How do you reply to a question like ‘Do you have a wheelbarrow’ if you have just said ‘no’ to the one that wanted to find out if you have a motorised vehicle? I mean since when do wheelbarrows become substitutes for vehicles. Truth is you can only say you have a wheelbarrow if you have admitted to having a car or you will reply ‘no’ if such ridiculous episodes chanced on you.

Whenever surveys are done, more than half the respondents get into survey mode and start chiseling and sculpting the answers to the ‘expected’ response. We are just like that and that includes you the reader. Next census we hope the chronology of the questions will be seriously looked at as a point of improvement.

a) Did you eat rice this week?

b) Did you eat spaghetti this week?

c) Did you eat sorghum meal this week? Now if this is the chronology and the first two questions were answered ‘no’ there is no way they will answer yes to the third question even though the sorghum meal has forced itself into our menus lately with a fury never seen before because of the Ukraine/Russia war. The thinking is that such an admission will push you into Welfareville.

So we suggest they start with the last question so that people can be channeled into honest responses. It is very easy to admit you ate sorghum only after you have admitted to eating rice.

Another side of the population looks to have mistaken the census enumerators for MmaBoipelego agents and tried to channel the answers to achieve welfare status somewhat. But the famed MmaBoipelego will not be making her rounds because as it is, she’s been incinerated in a blast furnace and her ashes scattered all over the landfills of this republic. So the ‘we didn’t eat rice, we didn’t eat spaghetti, we didn’t eat sorghum meal’ lament is basically misplaced. MmaBoipelego is firmly in the rearview mirror. But we must all be honest. We must all shirk those liar cloaks so that the right information is collected and hopefully used to better our lives.

Next census we must all take the scout promise and do the right thing. You know ‘to do my duty to my country’. Truth is those cooked responses will distort the picture of what your demography or part of town needs. Instead of getting a school, your community might instead get a road. Instead of getting a clinic, your hood might get a bakery. Instead of getting a surfboard, you might get an ironing board, which is basically a surfboard that has given up on its dreams and now has a real job. Ok, this might be exaggerated but you get the picture, right? (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)