Best time to apply for a piece of land at the Board

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday March 22, 2022 06:00

Like a herd of tortoises waddling through peanut butter. All these are, however, much faster than continental drift. In Botswana there’s something much slower than continental drift.

Applying for and getting a piece of land in Botswana makes continental drift look like Mantshwabisi racing. When our politicians are in their element they will wax lyrical about how youth should apply for pieces of land so that they can build their places of abode and engage in commercial activities. Now we all know youth starts from 18 years up to either 40 (if you want to apply for young farmers funding) or around 50 (which is where a political youth peters). Useless fact: I have just passed the political youth cut-off.

So essentially the politicians are addressing a totally different demography when they encourage the youth to apply for land. Given the time it takes to eventually land that elusive piece of land asking youth to apply for land is mere political rhetoric. It takes a good 30 years for this to happen. This is if you are lucky. So what is the best time to apply for land for one to optimise that for financial gain? At 18 years it is way too late. So we need to work backwards. Could the best time be when a child is born? As soon as the medical personnel tell the dad, ‘Congratulations. It’s a boy’, the dad must immediately head straight to the Land Board and fill in an application form.

That way one could get their pieces of land at around 35. By that time, you will be dealing with all sorts of debts from two banks, a micro-lender, a rich aunt, an uncle who looks and acts rich, an unpaid maid and a mean co-worker. This effectively means your money is capable of only buying the life-saving combo and your kids are walking to school.

There’s absolutely no way that banks could touch you and your miserable payment advice slip which now looks like a hymn book. So your best option under the circumstances would be to sell your land illegally. This is how foreigners acquire land.

As the Land Board dithers around with your application and loses files and have frequent bouts of dementia, your financial ability is gradually diminished to a one-roomed abode. Yet some believe at childbirth it is a tad bit late and the best time would be to apply when the two lovers decide to have a baby. They must then rush to the Land Board and apply for land for their anticipated offspring. Of course filling in the forms could be tricky when it comes to the gender bit but they could navigate that by writing ‘still growing’ just like when one applies for a passport.

In any event, the result of the night hanky–panky moves is ‘still growing’ in the mother’s womb so it should be perfectly acceptable if we are truly committed to the president’s Reset Agenda. If you do manage to luck up, your piece of land will be allocated to you when your financial resources can only afford a cottage or the usual two and half. At this point, the limit of your ambitions is to get a little car at Mogoditshane to park in front of your little cottage because a mansion with a garage is far from achievable. You think I am exaggerating? You think it’s not that bad? You’re right! Sometimes it’s worse.

Every time a new Minister of Lands is appointed, there’s always that cymbal banging that symbolises expectation and hope. Every time a Minister of Lands leaves, half the population has their guns cocked after enduring decades of frustration.

The new minister in true heartwarming we're-all-in-this-together fashion will loudly inform the citizens in his maiden speech that he will expedite land allocation and such delays will be a thing of the past. Not on his watch! But alas, he will leave us with that same ole, same ole aftertaste. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)