Know When To Speak Floral English

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday August 17, 2021 06:00

The former obviously found an extra weapon for life’s everyday struggles. Today I will try and provide an Idiot’s Guide To When To Speak Floral English. I am sharply aware that most people don’t ever read Idiot’s Guides. Strangely even real idiots hardly ever bother. But I am a positive and hopeful individual so I hope to ensnare a few of you. But what is floral English? I have searched many dictionaries but it is not there.

So I will try my best to explain it slowly because I know most of you who read this column - just like me - merely gargled from the fountain of floral English. It is rose-coloured, petunia-flavoured, daisy-sprinkled and orchid-dashed English that is mainly spoken to pad up one’s importance and annoy the garglers-type. In political circles floral English is a requirement at press conferences, Parliament, freedom squares and choir practices.

In the floral English barometer these register very high readings. Remember politics is littered with lawyers who sometimes throw in Latin. In a court of law Latin is sometimes English. I once tried to use some Latin words and was laughed off from a potential love relationship by a fellow gargler who thought ‘moribund’ was a Chichewa word, muribwanje. Whenever you are in a very desperate situation you can start speaking in floral English. Or even when you want to get things done quickly you can get to floral English mode. It is also a surefire way to get recognition in the village bar or at a Kgotla meeting.

I remember one time I prefaced my contribution at a Kgotla meeting with the word ‘Consequently’ and the villagers went crazy to the point of suggesting I should stand for council elections. And by the way ‘consequently’ is not even floral English. While this word might not be a huge deal with city folk, in the village where the use of English (besides phrases like ‘Is can’t’) is incidental it is a huge deal to use words that they’ve never heard of. It gives your fellow villages pride that one of their own speaks English they only hear on Btv when Parliament session is in full swing. This English might work perfectly in the above situations; it will not work when you are flagged down for speeding by a traffic cop. The moment you go ‘conseq......’ the cop’s pen will hit that paper so quickly you will realise the folly of trying to speak to a cop in English.

Cops are so skilled in this and have that uncanny ability to flush English out of a traffic violator’s lips faster than the babysitter’s boyfriend when the car pulls up. In a bar it is also perfectly safe to speak floral English as long as you are buying the beers. It is a huge irritant if you are not, and could get you into more trouble than a pregnant nun at a monastery. Nothing irritates a sober and broke bar patron (with barely enough money to buy a cigarette) than a floral English-spewing patron. Before long you could be accused of such crimes as stepping on someone’s toes – a very serious crime in a bar patronised by broke customers. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)