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Pilgrimages To Nowhere – We Are Not Going To Heaven

Government has been busier than a one-armed clown making balloon animals at a kid’s party in gazetting all sorts of guidelines to try to contain the COVID-19 virus.

But the truth is, as long as the vaccines are procured at a pace that makes continental drift look like Formula One racing the printers at the Gazette offices will keep whirring away endlessly.

The following is the kind of activity that obtains weekly at the Government Gazette:

Monday: Alcohol will not be sold.

Tuesday: Alcohol will not be sold in bars.

Wednesday: Alcohol will not be sold in bars and restaurants.

Thursday: Alcohol will not be sold in bars and restaurants and bottle stores.

Friday: Alcohol will not be sold in bars and restaurants and bottle stores and shebeens.

Saturday: Alcohol can only be sold between 10am and 5pm if you are wearing a yellow hat.

And on and on it will go. Most industries are on the verge of shutting down thanks to the COVID-19 unrelenting pressures, but the printing industry remains a blue chip industry and is constantly on the up. Many industries are shedding jobs while the printing industry skills are in short supply.

I suspect I have a trace of dementia. Recently, I had completely forgotten that Easter was around the corner. That is until I overheard a couple behind me at a store engaged in a conversation.

Man: I like to first bite the ears off first

Woman: I prefer to take it all in at once

My horror instantly changed to

embarrassment when I whirled around and found them holding a chocolate Easter bunny.

One of the more serious effects of the COVID-19 pandemic is that our chances of going to heaven have been seriously dented.

This is the second year running that we have been fenced in and our plans to go to our usual Easter pilgrimages frustrated. This hurts very much, the way your tongue would hurt after accidentally stapling it to the wall. These restrictions are not sweet at all. Actually, they are slightly tart with a gamy aftertaste.

Government must be reminded of the significance of Easter. This is the time Jesus died for our sins and the sins of governments all over the world. And ever since the COVID-19 pandemic started, governments have been sinning many times. They must allow us to go to our usual place of worship to sanitise our sins. We promise we will pray for our government too.

I doubt very much that government will be at the Pearly Gates to explain why we have not been able to go for our Easter pilgrimages for two consecutive years. Like all governments, when that thing from the back-end hits the fan they will not be there to help answer Gabriel or posit an apology. (For comments, feedback and insults email

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