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How To Become A Millionaire In 3 Years Without a Rich Uncle

If you were attracted to this because of the title and hoping reading this will take you on a huge motivational journey you are mistaken.

Yes you can sue because I am not a motivational speaker. I have not been in any School of Motivational Speaking. I have not sat in front a huge blot of eminent, hopeful people to give any sort of speech to make them better people.

 Except of course when I tried to sing in front of 2 befuddled neighbourhood kids, a cat and a poodle. This is the closest I came to giving any sort of presentation in front of people (and animals). Let me explain this weird mix of audience. I had tried to round up kids in the neighbourhood but I could only get 2 and I brought in my 2 pets ( a dog and a poodle) just to pad up the numbers.

That actually didn’t end very well because within a few seconds into my ‘motivational’ song the cat and poodle started a huge fight that terrified the human side of the audience and I was  immediately morphed into a peace broker of sorts.

The 2 bewildered fans left in hurry as the cat family fight put an end to what I thought would be a promising career. That little fight had more fireworks than the 31st of December. For most of us life has been throwing balls at us with more curves than The Voice newspaper page 3 girls. So essentially we are looking at anything that can improve our stock. Selling colognes that have the same look, colour and branding, selling herbal tea with questionable medicinal properties, joining pyramid schemes that Consumer Watchdog is always warning us about, selling clothes from the UK that come in huge bags, selling Dibete concoctions etc.

We all want to make a million at one point in our lives and any advice around that is welcome. It doesn’t matter if it comes from a column like this whose scribe is struggling with 3 digit bank balances. I bet a huge number are reading this despite knowing that I am not a financial expert of any sort. We really subsist on hope. What if?

The more appropriate advice I can give is about “How to become poor in 1 week” based on my own experience and

expertise. Of course many of us can give this type of advice because most of us have treaded that path. Top mathematicians using powerful computers have been unable to find a single issue on which all motivational speakers agree on regarding how to make a million bucks.

I won’t go into the snooze-o-matic issues like Read Books and Set Goals. That is too difficult for our people. 

Reading! If you want to irritate people that want to make a million advise them to read. One bookshop closer to my hood moved from a smaller Supermall to a larger one perhaps to be in close proximity with the more affluent side of the populace but it is doubtful whether that has improved its bottomline. Even the affluent don’t have time to read books either. Myth debunked!

My advice is premised on more practical things to do.

Most of us do not have rich uncles so for many that is not the route to being a millionaire. But you have to eliminate this possibility first. Get your family tree and go 3 levels up, 3 levels down, 3 layers left and 3 layers right. If you still don’t find any rich uncle your family has what the ’fire’ churches call generational curse or spirit of poverty. If you do find one work your cards until the will is amended.

My advice is simple. Ask a million people to give you P1 each. What could be difficult about asking for a paltry P1.

This means you will have to ask one third of the population for a P1. Yes, one third because our 2 million population has been padded up by 1 million from Zim. So you can stagger it in 3 years and ask for that P1 from 333,333 people every year.

I appreciate that this advice could leave you feeling like a drunk sailors staggering home, trying to lean on another drunk sailor for support. But we all need each other despite our shortcomings.

If you read this a million times and are still broke after 3 years you can sue. Ha ha ha sorry you cannot even afford a lawyer!

* (For comments, feedback and insults email

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