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Of Femicide Suicide & Men 2

We are continuing our series on Femicide Suicide (often referred to as passion killings in Botswana) and Men.

According to the theory of attachment/frustration – aggression, men in intimate relationships commit femicide suicide when or after their partners separate from them volitionally. They kill their lovers and themselves due to ‘positive emotional attachment’ to such partners. Historically, marriage in most societies was pre – arranged.

Marriages of that kind were largely characterised by lack of affection, as they were arranged for several reasons except mutual love of the parties for each other. The emergence of individual choice of partners based on romantic love therefore increased ‘positive emotional attachment’ between the parties in a love relationship. When a passionate relationship is at its highest apex, partners become the principal origin of nurturance and love for one other thus increasing ‘positive emotional attachment’.

The stoppage of the flow of nurturance and love is a root cause of inner turmoil for the deserted partner. Hence, separation instigated frustration may be followed by aggression from the frustrated partner in the form of femicide suicide as a way to end their internal and external distress.

In light of the aforementioned contents on the theory attachment/frustration- aggression, this article will discuss ways in which readers can heal and get emotionally detached from a divorce/ separation. The first step to healing lies in accepting that you feel hurt and emotionally attached to your ex – lover despite the break up.

At that juncture it is vital to find a friend, mentor, family member, counsellor or pastor e.t.c. that you can pour out your raw feelings to. Keeping a journal where you can diarise your thoughts may also come in handy. As we diarise or speak about our sorrows, we begin to become more conscious of our thoughts; both negative and positive thoughts. After letting out our pain, we ought to reprogram our minds and ready ‘our healed identity’ to dominate us. This may be done through self-affirmations. Research shows that we become what we repeatedly think and say to ourselves and not what people say about us. When we consciously cultivate positive thoughts and align such thoughts with our actions, we consequently triumph. There are many positive thoughts to ponder on and affirm to yourself daily that can alleviate or even conquer the pain

of the severance of a relationship e.g. I am at peace with my divorce/ separation, better days are coming, there’s a more compatible and loving partner that awaits me in the future, I let go of the past and focus on what’s before me, I am worthy, I am loving and lovable, e.t.c When such thoughts are reinforced in your psyche, it would most likely be easy to trump negative thoughts such as ‘I am going to kill her and take away my life, I can’t live without her, she can’t stop our flow of love and nurturance and get away with it, I am a failure, I am unlovable and unworthy

A time of separation is also an epoch when we have to learn to unilaterally enjoy the activities we shared with our partners. At first, it may not be easy, we may break down. However, the more we practice that, the easier it would become and finally the sting of separation/divorce would flee. It is also essential that we cultivate healthy habits that heal our pain and not numb it whlist grieving the loss of a relationship. Examples of habits that numb our pain include overeating, alcoholism, getting a rebound e.t.c. As already aforesaid, meditation/self affirmations can strengthen our inner resolve and forge a new identity in us, which helps us to leap over or even anihillate femicide suicide oriented thoughts and depression at large. Physical exercise is also a stress buster because we release serotonin (the feel good hormone) when exercising. Listening to music, watching movies, gardening, reading, spending time with family and friends are some of the healthy habits that can emotionally revitalise us after a failed relationship. Conclusively, our rights to life, health and liberty not only demand that we respect the lives and liberties of others; they also demand that we assert our emotional and mental freedom by intentionally healing from the past and failed relationships.

Gaone Monau is a practicing attorney and motivational speaker. For bookings on gender based violence awareness seminars, motivational talks or consultations on relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732 or Her facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone.

Love & Pain

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