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DIY Projects, Marriages and House Redos

THULAGANYO JANKIE
When I was young and starting out work I was wowed over by those DIY adverts on TV and became an instant convert.

However, most of my DIY projects had that Palapye Glass Project kind of end- lots of money wasted, incomplete and lots of strife between me and my spouse at the time. I trudged on, nevertheless, especially when new ‘exciting’ DIY projects had just been advertised. But the same sad end always obtained.

In fact, at one point in my life the ultimate test of the stability of my romance relationships was the success, or lack of success of my DIY projects. That obviously meant I was not doing well on this side of things. I remember at one point being tangled up in something much more complex than a love triangle- a love square to be precise courtesy of 4 failed DIY projects. Lady 1 came into my arms. I undertook a DIY project. It failed. We had an argument. She left.

I thought she had gone for good. Lady 2 ambled along. DIY project. You know the end of the story. On and on it went until Lady 4. By some strange twist of fate all 4 then decided to forgive me and I had a nice problem in my hands. I morphed into a switchboard operator of sorts trying to coordinate their visits to my house. Sometimes it worked, most times it didn’t. The love square became unmanageable and I found a way to wiggle out somehow. Later on in my life after my DIY projects had failed, after the squares had been flattened I decided to get married. Well, of course when you are at this point you know exactly who makes a majority of the decisions around the house. If the wife decides you are Donald Dump which is a cross between Donald Duck and Donald President you will respond to that name.

If the wife decides you live on Mandela Street that would be captured in your official

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documents. My wife one day decided to do something much grander with more clout and decided on a redo of the house. Usually ladies’ projects are preceded by a visit from a friend. For two hours over dinner I listened to them extol the virtues of redoing a house while I died inside. Ladies brains are wired such that the side of the brain that buys stuff is not in sync with the affordability side. After the planning consultant had left and the planning committee meeting ended I was then briefed about the plan. The house needed a major redo. The house had a bland look about it and needed a serious revamp. The expert who had just left had suggested a huge transformation of the kitchen.

My wife fancied herself a gourmet cook who could make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear through “food experimentation”. Anybody who fancies themselves a gourmet chef usually has a stash of cooking infrastructure and all sorts of utensils and contraptions.

Instead of a kettle and a cup there will be a little electric-powered contraption called a coffeemaker. Instead of a good old frying pan there will be an electric-powered fryer. Instead of the usual maid there will be a kitchen specialist! And when the redo budget proposal was presented it was going gobble up more than 75% of our household income. I did the Math. This project was going to set us back a couple of thousands.

And nowhere in the proposal was my DIY experience and skills going to be engaged. I mean that had to count for something. The ultimate check and balance in a family is when the yes-man becomes a no-man and simply refuses to ratify an extravagance. I dug my heels in. There was not going to be a house redo.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)



Ink Spills

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