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Conversation With A Slay Queen

The Urban Dictionary defines slay queens as: young and naive girls who apparently do not date broke men.

They spend hours on Snapchat and Instagram showing off things they don’t even own. I am adding Facebook as another platform they use to show off things they don’t own.

I once called myself a slay queen on Facebook and got a huge backlash from my friends (well, on Facebook that is what Facebook calls people you have chosen to interact with).  I was threatened with violence. I was accused of being a Hitler descendant. I was reminded that slay queens are female.

I dug my heels in as the bolder type promised to report me to Mark Zuckerberg, the owner of Facebook Store.

The threats flew thick and fast and some even cautioned I should not be out on my own without parental supervision. And you know where most of these were coming from? You guessed it. From Slayqueenville! But I could not be moved.

Who takes seriously a threat from someone whose profile picture is a duck-beak shaped mouth and bent legs together with a V-sign?

I once got a friend request from a slay queen.

The rule is to accept and so I merely followed the rules. What with the next message coming with hashtag new friendships, hashtag senior bae, hashtag fun moments loading my choices were limited to just one, accept the friend request.

Any slay queen who does not append at least three hashtags to their communication is an embarrassment to the Slay Queen Varsity professors and probably does not deserve to be called one. I struggled with my hashtags in the reply and managed just one, hashtag hope.

Then followed a marathon. The next message went something like ‘Bae please send me some money so I come check you’, hashtag seniorbae hashtag funthings.

My reply was ‘Where are you right now, hashtag happy.’ I don’t even know if hashtag happy is there in the Hashtag Lexicon.

‘In Phikwe, hashtag seniorbae, hashtag funloading, hashtag

itsgonnabelit.’ Apparently they are always from some place very far from GC where the victim has to fork out money in the region of P200 or more.

‘I am in Francistown right now so if you come to Serule I can pick you up on my way back.’ No hashtag. Mine have now run out courtesy of an uncreative mind.

‘I don’t even have money to come to Serule hashtag senior bae, hashtag funthings.’

‘Ok I will drive through to Phikwe and come and pick you up.’ No hashtag.

‘Ok then do an ewallet, hashtag fun’. The hashtags are now shortening in number and length.

‘I don’t have an FNB account.’ No hashtag.

‘Then send through Orange money.’ No hashtag. Now she’s in tandem with me with no hashtags. Clearly this conversation is not going her way.

‘Actually I am in a village called Themashanga and there’s no Orange Money point. I will do that when I get to Francistown.’ No hashtag.

‘What are you doing there, hashtag funthings.’ Glimmer of hope perhaps now for the queen. Hashtags are now coming back.

‘Am at a funeral.’ No hashtag

‘Then you can do it around 11 or 12 when the funeral is over, hashtag seniorbae.’ The senior bae hashtag is now back.

‘Actually we are waiting for the body from Johannesburg and I am the pastor so I cannot leave before everything is sorted out here.’ No hashtag.

That is when the conversation stopped. You see slay queens are broke ladies but they don’t do broke guys. If you so much show signs of a seemingly coronavirus infested bank balance the conversation is over and they are sending out feelers to other potential victims.

This is what many slay queens are all about or perhaps this column was written by a bitter male chauvinist pig who cannot afford a slay queen by his side.

(For comments, feedback and insults email

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