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Arguing With Idiots: An Idiot’s Guide

Bungee jumping, ice skating are some of the extreme sports that one can partake it.

There is another one. Well, you will not find it in the list of Olympic Sports or any other list relating to sport. I do not know why. I don’t want to know why either. But it is not there. It is arguing with idiots.

Lately there’s been a proliferation of idiots. You find them in bars, churches, workplace, entertainment spots, your dashboard and in your pocket. This country is actually unofficially Idiotville. We actually need special idiot detectors.

Winning an argument with a clued up person is a lot easier. For instance you can pull out a whole range of statistics. Statistics are a safe avenue because you can make them up and your opponent might not know.

Your heaviest artillery is the use of Latin. You need to learn these words.

Vis a vis,

per se,

a priori,

carpe diem.

Let’s say you want to say ‘Politicians as compared to professionals do not really care about the youths’ live for the moment attitude’. You could say ‘Politicians vis a vis professionals do not care about the youth’s carpe diem attitude per se’. Only an idiot will argue with that.

With idiots it is a totally different ball game. Ever been in an argument where you ask the Lord to give you patience because if he gave you strength you will also need to be given bail money. This feeling is omnipresent when an idiot is involved.

Abusing my privilege of being stupid I once engaged in an argument with a guy with so many piercings in his face it looked like he’d been in an argument with a nail gun and lost. In a bar! This guy was straight out of Idiotville with all the nastiness in the right places.

Now arguing in bars is a Botswana tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with a whip so there’s nothing

wrong with that bit. The only problem was the adversary.

Before I knew it my face was firmly hugging the floor. The belles shrieked with both delight and pity and ran over to the toilets. Women periodically go to the toilet when they are at a bar.

This they have been taught at Ladies Training College. For every visit that a man makes a woman makes 4. And that is on a slow day. The reasons are varied – to touch up their makeup, to draw a battle plan, to creatively navigate around the drink sponsors and so on. In this case it was to have a good laugh at Mr Pierced Face’s victim.

With my head now looking like a failed attempt to grow lettuce and a severely bruised ego and face I slinked out of the bar. At that very point I made a few resolutions about my life, about my choice of drinking spots, about arguments and how and when to relocate from Idiotville.

After this sordid encounter some truths were brought home

Do not use garrulous terms

Absolutely no Latin

Idiots are very quick on the draw and so don’t tell them they are idiots because in this case YOU are the idiot

Maths and Stats are a no go area. Now all those who have attended a Maths class know how tough statistics are. In a bar the difficulty is exacerbated by the alcohol intake

Mark Twain once said ‘Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.’ Some of us – many of us in fact – don’t know that ‘beat’ in that quotation actually means a physical beating. I could b wrong but my encounter with Mr Pierced Face has reinforced that thought.

 (For comments, feedback and insults email

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