When Midlife Crisis Has Got You

When you find yourself driving to a Makhadzi concert yet you do not have a ticket. When you find yourself demanding that you be allocated a window seat in a plane yet you have a big bladder.

When you find yourself pressing Del (for deliver in your mind) on the keyboard in an attempt to send mail and the mail disappears. When all these happen know that you are firmly entrenched in midlife crisis. Think about it. Why would somebody in their 40s and 50s be interested in watching a singer whose singing range is as wide as a straw with an outfit stuck to her body like shrink-wrap to a rump-roast and gyrating with so much energy like they are connected to a power bank? Well, some say it is curiosity and that is exactly when you realise the clock has been somewhat zeroed to infant stage - a stage characterised by tonnes of curiosity.

Midlife is an age of drama where you get attacked from all sides by this thing we call life. The kids might have left and you are now an empty-nester. You might start regretting your career path, your choice of wife/husband and whether you should have invested your earnings wisely. But the happy-go-lucky midlifers might well see the stage as the genesis of a second stage of their lives. So clearly it is a time of great conflict for some and one might well have to deal with issues of dementia and depression as well. I am a midlifer and sometimes this stage is downright mortifying. Midlife crisis is akin to a kid whose toys has fallen into a gully hole. Our minds sweep rapidly through various thoughts because ADHD has basically gatecrashed our DNA.

Life has beaten down on us like a rented mule.

We are now more like ordering an opulent lifestyle from Wish and getting at best a lifestyle of a struggling intern on a government allowance. Only last week I went to lunch with a friend and I saw two elderly gentlemen across the room and I said to my friend, ‘That is us in 10 years’. And he replied ‘That is a mirror’. Nothing brought the fact that I was a midlifer home like this incident. Some of the midlifers bolted from their jobs as soon as they heard 4IR. Clearly bunking computer lessons was not such a good idea after all. Employers nowadays know how to get rid of excess fat without the laborious and expensive process of retrenchment.

They will call a meeting and announce that they will soon be automating their processes. A midlifer hears this as we will use computers everywhere including mopping the floor. Next day there will be a stash of resignation letters on the MD’s desk from all midlifers in the organisation. After a month when all the midlifers had gone, the company will announce that they are very sorry there is no budget for automation so it is back to the bucket and rag. So next time you happen to have an encounter with a midlifer please be kind to us.

We are very easy to spot. An extend midriff, a receding hairline and in some cases wobbly knees characterises the male version. For a female version replace receding hairline with a hairline named after a famous female ex-politician. (For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected])

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