Men’s conference: A Valentine’s Day alternative

In the previous year I braved it and tried to advise men on what they should get for their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day. It seemed I was ranting incoherently at chairs without actual people sitting on them at a badly-advertised pyramid scheme meeting.

Men don’t take too kindly to advice yet they are quick to dish it out. I also received some backlash from people merely because they could not afford gifts for their partners. Mind you such unsolicited backlash is usually padded with some choice phrases. When they were done with me I had a whole dictionary of PG words. Men have created in their minds a phantom event called Men’s Conference. Apparently when Valentine’s Day makes its way here again this year they will be attending the hallowed conference. At this conference, men are taught the ‘finer’ elements of being men. I do not have the curriculum but from information gleaned from unreliable sources the syllabus is mainly about how to get one over the women folk. That is the over-arching theme.

There’s an unwritten rule that partners are in an endless battle to outfox and outwit each other. Men’s Conference is a man’s feeble retort to women’s Baby Showers, Bridal Showers, Decided-Not-To-Have-A-Baby Shower, Kitchen Party and the like. Clearly men still have a long way to go if their only response is one event in a year which has not been proven to actually happen.

The menfolk are taught how to spend less on women, how to win arguments, how to get a visa and how to eat a lettuce salad using chopsticks while playing a flute. Some of the guidelines say if a woman laughs during an argument then you must immediately abort mission because the psycho part of the female would have been activated. Apparently the following happened at the conference during a Q and A session. Question: In the middle of an argument my wife told me that I’m right, what the hell do I do next? Answer: Make sure it is her. You might have stumbled into the wrong house. Otherwise try to awaken, you are asleep and having a dream that may cause delusions of dominance later. This might all sound hilarious and ridiculous but the veracity of such incidents is still to be established. You will never meet anyone who has been to the conference but you will either meet someone who knows someone who has attended the conference or you will meet a man who is planning to go. Never one who has been there and got the t-shirt.

Apparently at this conference there would be stalls where they sell important contraptions like argument filters which are meant to warn a man about arguments they are likely to win. There are also bedroom moodmetres which use a spectrum of colours to show the lady’s mood for conjugal gymnastics. Attendees at the conference find these devices very essential to their existence and survival.

There’s a corollary of Murphy’s Law that says the more you tinker with something in an attempt to improve it, the sooner you will break it permanently. In the end men are so desperate to get the better of women that they would twist themselves into all kinds of pretzels to wiggle out of their responsibilities, duties and fatiguing relationships- including dreaming up events like the Men’s Conference!

Truth is we've got invertebrate men tiptoeing nervously around an imagined relationship mine field that threatens to explode at the drop of a mango. It is not so bad though, no matter how much men would like you to believe they are being held prisoner in their mansions and one-roomed abodes. Women are actually very nice creatures if you ask nicely. Men’s Conference will never happen. It is essentially the big boom that never exploded. So ladies just take a chill pill and get off the Anxiety Train. It is going nowhere. This valentine’s day we promise to be more thoughtful and buy meaningful gifts like chainsaws, drill, water hose, car jack, car shampoos and all the like - things that women will find very useful as they execute their daily wifely duties. (For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected])

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