The more I understand the intricacies of the human mind, the more blown away I am with my Creator! He actually designed us with an ability to feel fear and insecurity so that our bodies can defend ourselves.
Hear a noise at night and your body involuntarily goes into fight or flight mode, even giving you an extra dose of adrenalin to face and combat the danger.
That is a legitimate reason to fear and feel insecure. However, that same reaction can occur even when it is PERCEIVED danger. Psychologically speaking then, the best thing to teach people is to learn to stop and examine themselves when feelings of insecurity jump up in their minds BEFORE they go into FIGHT mode.
Ask yourself. Why does it bother me so much that my girlfriend wants to leave me? Why does it put me into such a rage? We need to train ourselves to analyse our emotions and self-introspect. If we begin to treat our emotions like a “check engine” sign in the car, we could solve a lot of issues a LOT less violently.
When the check engine sign comes on, it is alerting you something is wrong. Your job is now to go look under the bonnet and examine what could be causing the problem.
In the case of a car, you are looking for something physically wrong so it is a bit easier, but in the case of a person, you are looking to answer emotional questions to try and figure out what is wrong in your mind that things seem to bother you more than is healthy for you and those around you.
I challenge you next time your mind immediately races to rage, frustration, and fear to ask yourself some questions
Do I feel inadequate? Do I feel if she/he leaves then I am less valuable?
Do I feel insignificant? Do I feel I am not enough to meet her/his needs and that is why she/he is cheating?
Do I feel condemned?
Do I feel like I failed and I feel like I am a failure and I will never have a good relationship?
Let me assure you. Avoiding dealing with the root causes will only make your problems worse. If you want freedom, take some time to examine yourself. Exposure is difficult so we tend to avoid rather than examine our insecurity.
Taking a good look at ourselves is difficult because we fear the gauge is going to confirm our worst fears about ourselves. It is easier to blame someone else than actually look in the mirror and admit that you need to work on yourself.
From an outside perspective, a common term used to describe someone who is violent with their partner is insecure. This is not just circumstantially induced fear.
This is an insecurity which is developed over years of them feeling they don’t add up, they aren’t valuable. This insecurity is a significant lack of self-confidence, or a powerful fear of others’ disapproval or rejection, or a chronic sense of inferiority.
To the one who feels they are fighting these emotions, can I offer you encouragement? Your Creator beckons you saying over and over throughout the Bible, “I will NEVER LEAVE
As you analyze yourself and seek healing, a fundamental question to ask yourself is “Where do I gain my security?”
Is it in my job?
Is it in my relationship? Is it what others think of me?
Is it in the car I drive?
The problem with allowing our self-worth to be derived from anything that it temporary is it means your SELF WORTH – YOUR VALUE is TEMPORARY and can be DESTROYED if that person leaves, if that car is taken from you, or if that boss fires you.
I want to encourage you my friend to really pray and meditate on scriptures that tell you how valuable you are. Google it and write verses down on a sheet of paper and read them over and over until you can confidently believe.
I am a CHILD OF GOD! I am a daughter/son of the KING OF KINGS. I am LOVED. He runs the world and HE KNOWS MY NAME! All life on planet earth was created by Him and HE calls me HIS FRIEND! Though so many family members may disappoint me, I have a HEAVENLY FATHER who says “My child, I never sleep or slumber.
Just call out my name and I am there! I see you when you are crying. I see you when you are hurting. I SEE YOU! I LOVE YOU!”
Please. Next time you feel yourself losing control because of something someone else does to you, I beg you. STOP. Examine yourself and ask yourself key questions to figure out the root cause.
Exchange your fears, frustrations, and insecurities! Lay those burdens down at the feet of Jesus and crawl into his lap and say “I need help! I need to know you care. I need to know someone cares.” He sees.
You are valuable with or without that person. You are valuable with our without that job. In Christ, you have hope... you always have hope. There is never a time where you need to lose hope.
Life is hard but HE WILL WALK WITH YOU AND GIVE YOU STRENGTH FROM within to deal with whatever heartache the people around us give. Using your fist or your angry words will not change the way you feel about yourself and it won’t change the way the one you love feels about you.
Only God’s perfect, unchanging, all accepting love can really change your identity and make you into a person who first loves himself so he can give that love to others.
Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org or Facebook page: Mom to Mom: Parenting Consultations.
Ashley Thaba is a popular motivational speaker and life coach. She is the author of the well-known books, Dive In and Conquering the Giants. She also facilitates corporate team building and wellness activities. You can view some of her work on her YouTube channel: