So in this journey of ‘self-re-discovery’ I have to embark on I often fantasize that the stars above are watching me and would creep into my dreams to say ‘Maya, stop typing in the dark and take control of your destiny’.

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They did last night and I let go of this anger that bred emotional crashes. I have had a few years of what I deemed as bad luck, unawares that I am the one manifesting the negative vibes. The heart of an artist is the most naked soul ever found and seen, sometimes ignored. But last night I fell asleep to Teddy Pendergrass’ turn off the lights and I smiled because the lyrics, the brass section and the way the lead guitar strummed at my rib cage in a light ticklish manner made me think ‘wow – liberate thyself’.

The epic most memorable line of this jam is when he says Turn ‘em off! I remembered all the moments in my life that I laughed my heart off, for instance in an Eddie Murphy comedy skit and he talked about how women actually like a man with that authoritative kinky voice that forces us to give in. So I had thought, well, my stomach did – “popcorn would be nice”. Then I thought what kind of food would I want to entice a man with and not to use to reach his stomach but the kind you eat while you are in ‘it’. Lol – (laugh out loud).

I read an article some time ago that said that women can eat before sex but men should not and rather after (or was it vice versa). I thought what does that mean, how do you make a meal trying to charm him but not make him too full. How do you make sure that he loves it but does not eat too much at the same time not trying to show him that you want him like that… hmm?

So this is my attempt below in a brief list of what I think we should not eat if we intend to do it.

1. No ribs and pasta such as spaghetti because there is no way you will have any left over so then what are you going to nibble on for after-do munchies.
2. No bream fish, especially on a first date because it does not matter what you eat after, the smell of the fish tank will stick. You will even smell from your skin so kissing is a deep sea diving problem (lack of oxygen).
3. Definitely no garlic. You know why… more smelly issues – even if he is Italian… it will still stink to him
4. No pap aka mealie meal and t-bone, unless he has a gut (then you do not have a choice) and you are soooo going on top and do not expect him to put in much effort. He might pass out on you and you can not afford to score both, neither of you actually will. You will, however, have a story to tell to your girls over wine, but you will never be charmed by dudes with guts.
5. Contrary to popular belief, strawberries are not all sweet and personally I think they taste better with cream and not chocolate. It is an acquired taste like beer or sushi.
6. Unless you are uber-cultured, it is actually difficult to eat oysters and look sexy at the same time. Besides the shells makes a mess and could be a prickly problem in the sheets. I mean think about it, where are you gonna throw them. On the floor? Really, and what is auntie supposed to think about that the morning after – “Waitse bana ba gampieno. Ke eng gone mo jaanong. Go nkga mawatle hela. Ah!”- that is what….!

Then there are foods that do not look attractive but are quite beneficial to the bedroom dynamics. Foods such as avocadoes, bananas, fungi-looking cheese (depending on when and how you will use it), soup (the creamy green or orange type with the black shredded herbs and seeds, peanuts, litchis, grapes (the black ones with the seeds) and the like. I wonder if it would be too adventurous to have some shredded chilli-flavoured biltong sticks suspended from the ceiling mirror corners, a trail of cheese curls leading to the bed, the small sized mangoes (the ones so orange, small and srtringy, but sweet, a toddlers palm-size) in a cute red-stained straw basket on the side tables,  liqourice (originally black of course; that is the one that tastes nice, like liqourice), and/or garlic bread ( toasted with herbed butter in the center, hot and oozy) -  sexy, huh?.

The point is that it is time for us to liberate our intimate vortex and experiment, why must we always eat strawberries and cream, what do we have when they are not in season? i hardly eat chocolate, and not because of budgetary constraints or weight issues, but because I just don’t like it as much, so there goes that plan. I don’t like bananas, peaches or mangoes of any size, Bananas….I mean when you peel it slow like that…. Where are you gonaa chuck the banana peel? On the floor…have you seen the ants in this season?!? Live. Love. Eat – but not too much.   

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