FRANCISTOWN: Most Bakalaka can vouch for this. A Mokalaka spends a lot of time trying to make others see that he or she is not any different from them. I have lost count of the number times I have had to politely correct people when they called me a 'Lekalaka', instead of a 'Mokalaka'. They always seem to be surprised by that concept and then we always end up engaging in a conversation in which I try to explain why we should be called Mokalaka or Bakalaka, as compared to Lekalaka or Makalaka. At the end of the conversation, I always leave wondering if I had managed to convince the other person, or if I had just made matters worse.

As we approach 40 years of independence, I sit and wonder about how far the Bakalaka, as a tribe, have come, considering that other tribes have always dominated them. For as long as I can remember, I have always tried to make my mark wherever I go, whether it is at school or at work. I always make sure that I work extra hard, lest I fail and my tribe is associated with my failure. From my experiences in life, I have realised that most Bakalaka are like that. That is not necessarily a bad thing because I think the urge to be the best has certainly brought them to where they are today.

I have found that, as I grew, it became more or less unimportant what other people think about me being a Mokalaka. I have learned to laugh at the Bakalanga jokes that are often repeated at work, at school and elsewhere, as long as they are in moderation and are not provocative or insulting. But that is just I.

It is apparent that, for the past forty years, Bakalanga have been struggling to find a place for themselves in this society, not as a minority tribe but as an equal to other tribes that are named as the main tribes in this country.

Though 'we' are almost there, we still have some people who find it hard to interact with a Mokalaka. The most common issue, which continues to cause conflict among families, is marriage. I think it is safe to refer to the issue as 'inter-tribal' marriage.

More than once, I have come across friends, whether Kalanga or not, who were having problems because their parents would not allow them to marry into another tribe. It could be Bakalanga parents refusing their child to marry, let's say, a Mongwaketsi, or Bangwaketsi parents refusing to be related through matrimony to a Bakalanga family.

A friend of mine was telling me about how she had a Mokalaka boyfriend but did not know how to tell her parents about him, as things are getting serious. She was out of sorts with worry, apparently because her parents had warned her against dating a Mokalaka at a tender age. I am of the opinion that tribalism is worse than racism in the sense that, with tribalism, we are one and the same people except that we speak different dialects, not languages but dialects.

I do not blame people who say that they can never have a relationship with a Mokalaka because, though we cannot admit it openly, we all have people that we have vowed not to be seen with, not because something is wrong with them but just because we feel they are inferior or not up to standard. Like I said before, such mentalities have come a long way and so have we, as a people. In college, one of my girlfriends, who was not a Mokalaka, told me that she did not mind having me as a friend but declared that she would never date a Mokalaka because, she said, they are dark skinned and they are too controlling.

I told her then what I would tell her today: "That is a misconception. Very common misconception because I know people who are not Bakalanga who are darker than the night," I would say. As for the controlling part, I said that could be true of all African men you know, because women overseas say that African men are controlling.

When I was growing up and, at times even now, I frequently catch myself referring to other people as 'Batswana', while referring to us as Bakalanga. If you asked me whether someone is a Motswana, I would probably say, "No, Ke Mokalaka." And then I would admonish myself for having said that.

I think it is a protective, reflexive reaction instilled in us as we grew up in our environment. But it could also be just the dialect that we speak that makes it difficult for other people to relate Kalanga with Setswana.

By and large, Bakalanga feel that they get discriminated against just because they are viewed as inferior by other tribes in Botswana. This has led them to always lash out in an attempt to protect themselves from unsolicited, demeaning remarks. This always brings out a lot of tension. It seems people who are not Bakalaka always try to mind their language when around Bakalanga, who are also always waiting for any slip up so they can correct them.

For years, people have condemned inter-tribal relationships, or marriages, but, nowadays, people just frown upon it in private rather than totally and openly forbid it.

From my own experiences, I have learned that, when you are a Mokalaka, you have to learn to understand exactly what the other person is saying before jumping to conclusions because, sometimes, it could just be innocent ignorance on their part since such habits may have been instilled into them when young.

I think we should just be glad that we are not dealing with each other on a colour of skin basis. There is a need to realize that we are all children of black Africans.

Then there is this one time in a combi. There was an argument and one man boldly said to me, "Tshekedi o le tshamekisetse waitse." (Tshekedi only joked around with you. He did not properly deal with you people.)

I said to him that Tshekedi did not do anything for him and asked him what he had done for himself. We kept on arguing. Basically, I was trying to make him feel inferior and he was trying to do the same thing; only he was targeting my being as a Mokalaka. I later realised that I should not have lashed out because, by so doing, I appeared to be admitting that there is something wrong with being a Mokalaka. I have realised that, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes as Bakalanga, we have become our own enemies. I think years of being treated as inferior have eventually affected our patience and brought about a self-fulfilling prophecy making us believe that we really are inferior.

In the nineties, it became common that Bakalanga families started communicating in Setswana in their own homes. They started to teach their children Setswana from birth, hence, today, there are thousands of Bakalanga children who cannot utter a word of Kalanga.

I wanted to master Setswana just to be able to fit in with the other kids who were actually Kalanga but who spoke fluent Setswana.

I later realized, at an older age of course, that it was not cool. If anything, it was just the opposite because I was denying myself my true identity.

Anyway, I realized that things started changing; I don't know who managed to change them. Parents then went from that to another drastic change, where Kalanga children were always taught English and Kalanga.

I think by the time when several Bakalanga organisations came into being and started asking lots of questions and pointing out the pride in our heritage, that is when people realized there was nothing wrong with being a Mokalaka. Only in the past few years have people started to maintain a balance by teaching their children all the languages.

But nowadays, if the truth be told, I do not care which language I speak. Even though I always maintain that I am Kalanga, I do not feel that I have to prove anything to anyone on behalf of my tribe.

So, from my own personal experiences, I would say that we have come a long way and a lot of visible change is there. To me, Botswana's 40th birthday as an independent country should mean that even us, as citizens of Botswana, no matter what tribe we come from, should be able to enjoy the independence from other factors that could hinder freedom like colonial rule. Like Tribalism.