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 Aletter to the editor in the Mmegi edition of August 17 challenged the place of lobola or bride-price as we know it in our Tswana marriages. The progressive mind advanced a popular feminist ideal that our womenfolk are being abused in marriages; emotionally and physically because men pay lobola. This apparently gives them ownership rights over their wives. This theory is an oversimplification of a serious syndrome so clearly manifest in our society, and which commands vigorous efforts from each member to stop it. Why then have Batswana men, in particular our parents and grand-parents after being in marriage for decades, never raised hands over their loved ones? It is because our Setswana values taught them not to harm someone who could not defend herself. The theory of battering women because they have been purchased through lobola only stands in the minds of mentally deranged men of the x-generation, whose ego and masculine attitude teaches them to possess and abuse women. What legitimacy can we give to the recent wave of love-killings?. If my memory serves me right, as one who reported on such incidents extensively, the passion killings involved very immature, unmarried young lovers whose relationships ended in tragedy. Let it be recorded as a fact that “marriage exists not as merely the joining together of a man and a woman, but as a sacred relationship that creates alliances between lineage and other kinship groups” (Leornard Bloom & J.G. Ottong pg 98). Take a look at an elderly couple and the love and peace they enjoy, deeply influenced by the reverence they have for one another, as they refer to each other as “ntate” and “mme”, and you begin to doubt something in our marriages.
While our parents and grandparents’ generations faced marital problems similar to ours, such as adultery, the way they dealt with such sensitive issues was very effective. They overcame hurdles that could permanently dent their unions through effective communication. Two components are needed in a marriage: communication and fidelity and where one is lacking, the other must remain strong to cover up for the shortage. The approach we adopt in addressing the issues troubling our marriages must never lack respect for our partners. We tend to say that our mothers were “foolish” to stay in marriages when our fathers had concubines. But when you think of it critically, there was something far beyond “opting out” that had to be cherished: family heritage. Our mothers were excellent communicators whenever issues of adultery haunted their marriages. Our fathers were humble when our mothers vented out their frustrations. Likewise, the way our fathers handled adultery committed by our mothers, mind you, was equally tremendous! But we are the x-generation that gives no pardon, no mercy and forgiveness because we are bad communicators. We lack respect for one another and our attitude goes something like: “One strike and you are out, because you are not the only one on the face of the earth”. We adopt such a suicidal approach because of the glamorisation of sex and violence fed to us by the media. Finding a sex partner is as easy as removing an item for purchase off the shelves of a store, because we have the power of cash. So, what happens if the other partner’s strength is not financial but physical? Our families are faced with a useless dilemma about headship because people debate whether it must be decided upon the basis of finance or physique. When one is in the wrong, we don’t seek time when tempers have calmed to talk about what is bothering us. Our families have changed into boxing rings because vengeance on any wrong seems to be the answer to our problems. Domestic violence has no place in our society, but it certainly is not because of lobola; we owe it to ourselves to adopt a botho attitude that is envisioned in the Vision 2016 framework.
The payment of lobola by Tswana men therefore, should not be abused as a purchase price, nor used as a smokescreen for idealistic philosophy to promote the cause for equality of men and women in the new millennium. There is no criterion to use in order to tag a price on the worth of a woman – she is priceless! The traditional practice of lobola however, is a symbolic meaning to transfer the woman as wife to the man as husband. The lobola signifies some compensation, therefore, but it does not imply even in the slightest imagination that “women are traded like lengths of cloth in the market” (Leornard Bloom & J.G. Ottong pg 98). The lobola is meant to encourage stability because of the problems that could arise in the union. In the same way Western societies would talk about insurance or assurance, the African societies, when introducing lobola were thinking about collateral or security should anything horrible happen. Do people who want to phase out every traditional practice realise that the western societies continue to preserve their own customs such as shot-gun marriages? Do the young, elite and progressive minds of our nation ever pause to think about the implications of being in a rush to catch up with the west, when the west took one step at a time to reach where they are today? How would our progressive minds respond to the fact that much of Europe today had lobola? Instead of the groom, it is the bride’s family paying the dowry, a form of compensation to the husband’s family. Who cares to talk about its primitivism and antiquity? Sooner than later, we will be hearing our progressive minds encouraging us to copy what the Europeans are doing as a form of civilisation. Who dares to call for the abolition of the dowry? The only attempt left for the young elite is to find a laboratory, where we can paint our skins, grow our hair and change its texture and colour and sharpen our noses.
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